97. Are You One Of The People You Try To Please (Part 2 of 2), with Lori Montry

Intro To People Pleasing

Cheryl Fischer 0:00

If you've ever had a conversation, maybe with a coach, maybe with a friend, maybe with colleagues, mentors about people pleasing, I think you're in the majority. I think probably at one point or another, especially as women, we've asked ourselves, am I a people pleaser? And here's the thing: we all do it. It's a question of severity. It's a question of nuance. And how do we make it so that we do it in a healthy way? Let's talk about it. Welcome to Mind Your Midlife, your go-to resource for confidence and success, one thought at a time. Unlike most advice out there, we believe that simply telling you to believe in yourself or change your habits isn't enough to wake up excited about life or feel truly confident in your body. Each week, you'll gain actionable strategies and, oh my goodness, powerful insights to stop feeling stuck and start loving your midlife. This is the Mind Your Midlife podcast.

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Cheryl Fischer 1:11

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Part Two Focus And Guest

Cheryl Fischer 1:47

this episode is part two of our two-week focus on people pleasing. And yes, that's because this is a really big deal and we all do it. So make sure you can grab the link in the show notes to go back and listen to episode 96 as well. You can listen in either order, but this is important enough that we're hanging in there for two weeks. Broadly, there's all sorts of things we do that are sort of related to people pleasing. This is our choice for today's conversation. People pleasing is about putting ourselves out there to make sure that someone else is happy. And I want you to hear me before you just skip to some other episode. I'm not saying, and Lori is not going to be saying, that we shouldn't try to make other people in our lives happy. That is not what we're saying. When we have friends, we have family, we have people we love, of course we want to do things for them. Of course we want to make them happy. That's not necessarily people pleasing. What we're talking about is when it goes so far that it becomes a drain on us, that it becomes a stress, that it becomes an unhealthy nervous system that is really, quite frankly, messing with our health in the long run. How do we handle that? And that is why our guest today, Lori Montry, is here to join me. Lori is an author, a somatic practitioner, an educator, and founder of the You're Not the Problem movement. I love that. So she helps people understand why they're staying stuck in patterns that don't reflect who they really are, and how healing the nervous system adaptations behind all those patterns can help us recover and become our authentic selves. Fantastic. I am so excited to talk about this. Welcome, Lori. Thanks for joining me. Thank you, Cheryl. I'm so excited to share this space with you. I'm excited to talk to you about this because it's just something that kind of touches us all, and we don't necessarily want to admit it, but it does. So

Lori’s Pivot From Law

Cheryl Fischer 4:16

you made a pretty significant pivot in your career about 15 years ago to do nervous system and somatic work. So tell us a little bit of the story that led you to make that change.

Lori Montry 4:30

Yeah. You know, Cheryl, they say that we we teach what we need to learn. And that was certainly the case for me. Um, I found myself approaching 40. And, you know, to be honest, I had achieved most of what I thought was going to bring me that sense of peace and contentment, you know, and when I looked around at my life and said, wait a minute, I'm kind of miserable. Well I thought, you know, achieving this, I, you know, graduating from the Harvard Law School and building a family and and this and that, and and then looking around and saying, yeah, none of this is really me. And I'm not feeling content. Um, in fact, I I think I was probably um recognizing that the years of being miserable were just weighing and each one got more heavy than the last. And so um not knowing where to turn next, right? I had put all of my eggs in the in the basket here that I was holding. And I had no idea, hey, if this is not where my contentment and my peace is going to come from, where the hell am I gonna find it? And it was really scary to be in that situation because up until that point, you just have the ability to say, okay, you know, the next thing, the next achievement, that's where I'll find it, right around the next corner. And so standing there having no idea uh where to go next, um, you know, I I really had no other choice but to become a student again. And this time a student of myself and of the nervous system and of the patterns that I had developed, the adaptations that had helped me um navigate life so far, and to figure out who I really was and what would give me the peace and contentment that I was looking for my whole life. And that's when the pivot occurred and it was messy. I don't mean to make it sound like, oh, and so I pivoted into this other room. I mean, it was like fumbling in in the dark, you know. Um but it wasn't pivot.

Cheryl Fischer 6:43

It was. Maybe I shouldn't be chuckling, but I'm chuckling because we look at other people's stories and we think, well, why was it so easy for her? It wasn't easy for her. It wasn't easy for any of them. So yeah, we do that all the time to ourselves, don't we? And actually, I I mean, change is not always something that we generally feel comfortable with, but I also just want to kind of give you some kudos because when you're in a position where you realize you're not happy and you have kids and you have a partner, it's it's tricky to make sure that they don't take it personally too. You know, there's just so much tricky communication that happens there. So me, I don't know if that was some of the parts that were messy or you just were trying to figure out what you wanted, but uh there's a lot involved for sure. Yeah.

Lori Montry 7:41

Yeah. What a segue into uh the topic that we wanted to dive into today, which is people pleasing. And when you, you know, that was once I kind of figured out what I wanted, it took me another couple of years to figure out how to do it because I was so concerned about, you know, as I should be, right? As of course mom of of six beautiful children, and you know, in in a committed um marriage, it took me a couple more years to figure out how to make a life um that also honored the those roles. I did end up ending my marriage. Wasn't something that I could stay in and claim my new self, my new life. Um, but thank goodness, after some rough spots, um, my relationship with my kids is better than ever. And having, you know, found the love of my life now and remarried, you know, I can look back and say, oh, it worked out, right? But at the time it was scary. It was scary. And that that people-pleasing aspect really made it a lot more challenging to to know what steps to to take and and how to bring it all into being.

Cheryl Fischer 8:56

I 100% agree. I'm sure that was the case. And can you uh let's just pause for a second and I'm gonna ask you to give us sort of a definition, if you will, because I think when we talk about people pleasing, some people I know will be like, oh yeah, that's me. I'm trying to stop. And other people, including me, for a good chunk of time, will be like, oh yeah, I don't do that. I know what that is, but I don't do that. But I think we all do it. So what do we exactly mean by people pleasing?

Lori Montry 9:27

Yeah. And I love that you said, we all do it, right? And and there's nothing, you know, for and we should say too, there's nothing wrong with it, right? It's not a defect, not something about ourselves that is wrong that we have to fix.

What People Pleasing Really Means

Lori Montry 9:42

We all do it because we come wired for connection, right? Our safety very much depends on belonging to a group. Because, you know, evolutionarily, if we were exiled from the group or found ourselves on our own, um, we would die. It wasn't so we needed each other for survival. So that lives in our DNA. And so when we we all people please to some degree, yeah, of course we do. Um the question, I think, for me, uh, when we talk about where it, where that line is between where it stops being um, I guess functional is a good way to put it, and and where it starts being almost like a sword against ourselves, right, is is kind of hard to place. Um, and and of course it's different for everybody. Um, so people pleasing is entirely normal. People pleasing is totally fine. The question is, are you one of the people that you're trying to please?

Cheryl Fischer 10:48

Ooh. Ooh.

Lori Montry 10:50

Yeah.

Cheryl Fischer 10:52

You're gonna just sit without for a second.

Lori Montry 10:56

Are you one of the people you're trying to please? And a lot of the time the answer is not really. And that's where we get to to explore it a little bit more and understand whether or not your people pleasing um might, you know, need to be dialed back a little bit.

Cheryl Fischer 11:18

Interesting. Interesting. So is it oftentimes that when we're trying to please other people? And I appreciate you saying there's nothing wrong with this, because of course we want to please the people we care about, right? Yeah, it's beautiful. Yeah. We want to be helping them and doing what we can. Uh I don't want it to come across that we're saying the opposite of that. But do you find that a lot of times this becomes almost like a a safety strategy for us in some way?

Lori Montry 11:53

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. And usually it starts very young, right? Um, let's take me, for example. So I came into the house. I was the sixth of seven children. When I arrived on the scene, everything was chaotic. My mother with a a fragile nervous system already was completely overwhelmed. I was another mouth to feed, another butt to wipe. I was overwhelming, right? My needs were too much. And I knew that. I knew it from the very first moment, right? Oh, you gotta change your diaper, I gotta, you know, all the things. You get those, you get that feeling, right? Yeah. Your needs are taxing to me. And that came through, right? So I learned

When Pleasing Becomes A Safety Plan

Lori Montry 12:39

to put those needs somewhere else to not express my needs and to keep you happy so that you will take care of me, right? If I keep you happy, then I then I feel safer that you will take care of me, right? It felt calmer, it felt so much better and safer to live in a home where um, you know, things were not uh chaotic where people weren't yelling at me for having needs, those kinds of things, right? So people pleasing was safety. And and I use that example, but it's it's thousands, thousands and thousands of other examples too, right?

Cheryl Fischer 13:21

Yeah.

Lori Montry 13:22

Um, but that's just one kind of concrete example of how we learn um to that people pleasing um is better than the alternative.

Cheryl Fischer 13:33

It's yeah, I I'm glad you said this is one of many because we don't want to always be saying, well, our parents screwed us up. I'm I used to say to my kids, I'm trying really hard not to mess you up, but probably I'm gonna mess you up somehow. So I apologize in advance, you know, but we're trying not to. But it could be, I suppose, maybe a teacher where you, as a child in a classroom, fairly young, probably, felt like you were always the problem and your teacher was always frustrated with you or something that would, I can see, have maybe similar results.

Lori Montry 14:06

Uh yeah. Or even, you know what? Oh, I like it when you smile at me. I I did the dishes, I took the garbage out and you smiled at me. I really like that. That felt really good. I want more of that, right? I mean, it's so subtle sometimes. It doesn't have to be some kind of traumatic experience. Yeah. Um, it's it's it's part of how we're wired.

Cheryl Fischer 14:29

Yeah. Yeah. We want people to like us. We want, we want people to smile at us. It feels good. Absolutely. Yeah. Interesting. This is reminding me when my kids were growing up. I always remember reading all these articles saying, don't take your kids out for like ice cream and cookies to celebrate something that they did. You know, don't teach them that food is the way that you celebrate something. And I think it's all related, you know, because am I trying to teach them that they always need to go grab all this food whenever something good happens? No, I don't want to teach them that. So we're always trying, right? We're always trying not to instill the wrong message, but it's not always easy.

Lori Montry 15:10

And of course, we would never say, don't smile at your child when they do something nice. Okay. Then that puts us in this other bucket of, you know, maladaptation over here. So it's yeah.

Cheryl Fischer 15:22

Yeah. Yeah. It's how we interpret things. You're absolutely right. And and uh the other thing I think that we hear a lot is that we should just stop people pleasing. That, you know, hey, we are in our 40s, we're in our 50s, we are smart women, we are all grown up, and what are we doing this for? Just stop. Why does that not necessarily work?

Lori Montry 15:49

Yeah, yeah. What a what a great question. You know, most of uh so much of the advice is how to set boundaries and you know, creative ways to say no. And while that's that has its value, of course, we you know, yeah, we wanna we wanna uh understand what what some of those steps are. But I think the really important thing to understand here is that all of our adaptations, certainly people

Why You Cannot Just Stop

Lori Montry 16:13

pleasing, they serve a purpose. And as we've been talking about, they they help us feel safe. So let's just go back for the sake of having something kind of concrete to to wrap our brains around. Um, again, go back to me. Okay. So I learned that it is safe, right, to to please other people so that they're not upset with me. Um, please you so that you'll take care of me, right? That happened through my thinking, right? I had certain thoughts attached to that. It also happened within my nervous system. So my nervous system formed patterns where I could study a face, right? I I was hyper aware of the other people around me. What are they thinking? What are they needing? Are they, oh, when the corners of her mouth turn in that little tiny way, right? Um, I know that I need to do something to try to intercede to make her happy. Right. And and we don't know, we're not consciously doing any of these things, but my system, like everyone else, is learned these adaptations and they signaled to me that this is safety, this is what safety means. So now, as a grown-up, when I try to make different decisions and stop being a people pleaser or take myself into account, let's say, um, those patterns are still there. And my nervous system will still show up and say, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on here. What you're thinking about or saying no right now, that's danger. And we're not aware of all of this happening. Right. It's happening underneath the surface. And so that's why we stand in those moments and we say yes when we really want to say no. And then later we're like, why did I do that? Or maybe we don't even notice that, you know, we don't even, it's not even a decision point. It's just wow, I'm not really a consideration in my life. Yeah, how did I know what I want anymore?

Cheryl Fischer 18:25

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Interesting. Interesting. Yeah. And maybe the fact that we are in our 40s, 50s, early 60s, whatever it is, maybe those habits are just so ingrained now that it makes it even more challenging. I don't know.

Lori Montry 18:41

Absolutely. Of course. Of course. Every ingrained habit is is, you know, a little bit harder. It takes a lot of awareness and uh consciousness, right? Presence to even see, oh, there I am, following that old pattern.

Cheryl Fischer 18:58

But that's exactly where it starts.

Lori Montry 19:00

Is is that understanding and that reflective, you know, the ability to see our adaptations, um, how they're playing out, whether we like them, and if not, how do we change them?

Cheryl Fischer 19:14

Right. The whenever I talk about this kind of topic, it reminds me of the movie The Holiday. I don't know if you know that movie. It's one of my favorites. I don't know that I do. Well, you'll have to see it. There is a scene in the movie, and I if you're listening, I know some of you are gonna know this, where one of the main characters is a woman who is visiting in a city that she doesn't live in, and she befriends uh an older gentleman who's kind of acting as her sort of surrogate father, giving her advice. And they're having a meal, and he is talking to her. I think he was a film director or a film writer, talking to her about main characters in

Stop Being A Supporting Character

Cheryl Fischer 20:01

films and what their energy is like. And she says something along the lines of, oh my goodness, you're right. You're not supposed to be a supporting character in your own life. Oh. Which is kind of what this is making me think about. Like we're the main character in our the movie of our own life, not a supporting character. And when you said we need to make sure we're pleasing ourselves as well, it really made me think of that. Yeah.

Lori Montry 20:28

Wow. I just, yeah, that idea of supporting, not supposed to be a supporting character in our own lives. Right.

Cheryl Fischer 20:35

Exactly.

Lori Montry 20:35

Yeah. Yeah.

Cheryl Fischer 20:36

We can be supporting characters in other people's lives for sure, but we're still the main character in our own life. So, okay. What about all the stuff that's going on with us in midlife? Uh you know, we have aging parents, we have kids who are becoming adults, we have retirement coming up, we have our bodies are going through all sorts of stuff. How does this, what have you seen people go through, and how does this tend to affect our people-pleasing habits?

Lori Montry 21:08

Yeah, you know, I think that there's there is so much going on. And I think that, you know, we feel uh stretched in a lot of different directions, all the directions that you just named. Um, we also have the the hormonal changes, which kind of, you know, make us show up just a little bit different. You know, we have

Midlife Pressures And Hormone Shifts

Lori Montry 21:31

the the that estrogen kind of declining. And so that's one of the hormones that really push us into being, you know, there for everybody else and um, you know, focused on outside of us. And so as that kind of goes down, it gives us a little bit of a push to explore a little bit more in inwardly. And so all of this going on at the same time, I think gives all a lot of us the Opportunity to say, um, huh, how do I like? And not that there's anything wrong with how I've been doing things up till now, but how do I like it? And what do what would I like to experience in this next phase of my life?

Cheryl Fischer 22:14

Yeah. And it's empowering to even just think about that, to think, maybe I get to choose, maybe I get to do something different. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah. So if we focus on then kind of creating new habits, if we focus on making sure that our nervous system is first of all not catching us in old habits, but also staying in a healthy state. What do you what are some of the advice that you would give us as we try to change our people pleasing ways?

Lori Montry 22:48

Yeah, yeah. And really, you know, it's the same advice. We're talking about it in terms of people pleasing today, but it's the same advice for all of our adaptive ways. And the advice would be don't fight it. Don't fight it. Because when we fight it, what does that do to the nervous system? Right. Think about your people pleaser. Think of it as a part of you, right? And if this people pleaser is absolutely convinced, you know, look, Cheryl, if you want to be safe in this world, say yes. Do the thing, you know, please the people, whatever. And you start saying, Yeah, we're not going to do that anymore, your people pleaser is going to go crazy, right? It's going to be like, oh my gosh, that

Change Without Fighting Yourself

Lori Montry 23:34

does not feel safe. And so rather than fight it, rather than just trying to change your behavior without understanding it, if we can help that part of you feel safe enough to try some new things on, then we're not going to get that resistance. And it's going to be so much easier to change your adaptation when you come at it from a place of what do you need to start shifting, even just a little bit, you know? But I think it starts with really understanding where does this pattern come from? How did it serve me in the past? And then we can start to explore what it would look like to do things differently, you know? And always say, don't wait for the moment when something's being asked of you, or you're in a situation where you've typically, you know, taken the people-pleasing route. Um, think about it ahead of time. You know, maybe sit down with yourself. Think about over the last week, um, what were some of the experiences that you said yes to or you noticed yourself not really feeling a part of the equation. And and really look at that and ask yourself, how might I want to do that just a little bit differently? And kind of play it out in your mind in a safe place, right? In your comfort chair, a cup of tea in your journal, instead of in the actual moment, right? Practice a little with with it instead of just going straight into something that probably feels a little bit beyond what you have the skill for in the moment.

Cheryl Fischer 25:14

Um there. So if we can just sort of imagine it ahead of time, let's say, gosh, I'm thinking back. So I've switched careers a couple times, but for 12 years I was a high school teacher, and I'm thinking back to a point at which my kids were in middle school. We had all kinds of activities going on, and I had been talked into being the junior class sponsor, which meant planning the prom. And I remember driving to get my kids somewhere, and then we had to go back to school because there was something at the school I had to do. And I almost had a panic attack. I just like everything was riled up, and I just was thinking to myself, how did I get here? You know? And so that kind of situation, what you're saying is if if we know, if we see ourselves getting into situations like this, maybe we try to imagine, okay, well, the next time someone asks me to volunteer as the head of whatever or to do this new thing, what are my options? What could I do? Is that kind of what you're describing?

Lori Montry 26:29

Yeah, 100%. So, so now, you know, we're building some awareness here, right? So everybody has the opportunity to kind of take a little bit of inventory. Where am I saying yes? Right. Not that everywhere you say yes is wrong or bad, right? But you get to sit with your yeses and decide, is this where is this yes coming from? Is it coming from an aligned place? Or I say, yes, this feels really good to me. And not only does it feel good to me, but I have the capacity for it. Because if you are saying yes to things that are good in theory, that are consistent with your values, but you don't have capacity for it, then that's what we're talking about. That's another form of people pleasing. True. Um, you know, overriding yourself.

Cheryl Fischer 27:18

Yeah.

Lori Montry 27:19

So looking at that, like I have a great example. When I was really trying to do this

Values Versus Capacity In Real Life

Lori Montry 27:25

work and and recognizing this for me, following my own advice here, I had a situation where um my current husband, I was dating him at the time, and it was going to be his daughter's birthday. And I had the idea, I need to make a fabulous birthday cake. That way they'll see how wonderful I am. They'll, I'll be, you know, indispensable to them because I make the best cake. She'll think, oh, she's such a wonderful person, blah, blah, blah. And like all this stuff entered my mind. And I, and but I knew I don't have the time and energy right now, with everything else going on, to make this cake, and I don't want to. So I had these two parts of me. The part that was like, make the cake, would you? Come on, man. This is our chance, you know? And then the other part is like recognizing, no, I don't want to make the cake. I don't have time. This goes against, right? So I I literally remember going to my to my sacred space here, right? And I'm pretty far along in the journey by now, but I still had this going on. So I took both of these parts with me, right? And we sat together, me as the the kind of the sacred self, the higher self, and then these two parts. And I'm working with, you know, both of them. I'm asking the questions, like, what is this yes about for you? What is this no about for you? And helping them, them understand, you know, where where the adaptation was coming in. And and I I had to, I had to say no. I had to buy a cake. And and um that was a tough, that was a tough call. But that's that's what we're talking about. That's the work to to figure out what's what is authentic to me. Sometimes we'll get it wrong, you know? Um, and that's okay. When we're figuring this out and and trying to come back to what is authentic for us, sometimes we don't know. Um but going through the effort and tending to those parts enough of the time, we get it. You know? And and more and more and more we're making choices that feel good in the moment um and later

[Ad] Unbreakable and Irreplaceable: The Self-Loyal Woman

Lori Montry 29:39

too.

(Cont.) Values Versus Capacity In Real Life

Cheryl Fischer 29:40

And and part one piece that I'm hearing is slowing down a little bit as well, and taking a minute and thinking before we just yes or no or sure, or and is that fair to say that if we can slow it down and we can absorb and we can, I think the saying is respond instead of react, that that's gonna help this process as well.

Lori Montry 30:09

Yeah, yeah. So important that you said that. And notice that I said I was pretty far along when I when I did this exercise. And and that's the proof that I was pretty far along, is that I had the awareness that I needed to sit and figure out where the yes and and where the no was coming from and and what was authentic. I mean, by the time you get to that point, man, you're you're doing great, right? So yes, going slow. And and at first, we it may be the work may be more about sitting down with yourself at the end of the week and looking back at your week and and going through some of you know what you said yes to and and figuring it out retrospectively, because it's it's don't expect yourself in the moment to have the the answers. You you're gonna get to know yourself and and then you'll be able

Weekly Review And Body Wisdom

Lori Montry 31:03

to respond in the moment. And another beautiful thing is that your body knows the answer. You know, your body knows the answer. So as you become more attuned to your body and you can hear those messages, and the mind is not so loud that it's overriding everything else, um, then the answer is is much more readily available.

Cheryl Fischer 31:25

And this is where the somatic work that you do comes in, right? Exactly. If anyone is listening and thinking, well, I've heard that word, but I'm not really sure what it is, tell us a little bit more about that.

Lori Montry 31:36

Yeah. Somatics, you know, it comes from the Greek word for for body, which is soma. And it's really just opening up to the body and treating it as a uh important source of wisdom and guidance. And so, you know, learning to listen and and be able to hear from your internal world, um, also being able to use the body to calm and to um to guide is is really what it's all about. Yeah, really fascinating.

Cheryl Fischer 32:06

Fascinating. Okay, well, let me pause and just make sure I don't forget to do this. Tell us how can people find you if they want to learn more about what you do or they want to connect with you?

Lori Montry 32:20

Yeah, everything lives on the website, lauriemontry.com. There's um many free resources on the page that can help people kind of explore some of what we're talking about adaptations. Um, my my book, which was which came out a couple of months ago, is all about our adaptations and how we can use um the body and the nervous system to help us um you know feel safe enough

Somatics And Where To Find Lori

Lori Montry 32:47

to even take a look at those adaptations and decide which ones are authentic and which ones we want to shift, which ones need to um change a little bit so that we can be um the support instead of being the supporting actor, we can be the main actor of our lives. Because when we're acting from adaptations, um that's the same as being the the in the supporting role as opposed to the main lead.

Cheryl Fischer 33:13

Yeah, uh fully agree. And I'll make sure that link is in the show notes so that you can just scroll down and click on it. Easy peasy. Okay, so here's what I always say after these conversations, because I think I think if you're listening, you might want to bookmark this episode and come back and listen again. Because now that you've heard the whole conversation, I think that we gave some interesting sort of food for thought early on in this discussion. And I think people are gonna recognize themselves in both the examples, uh well, really a lot of the explanation you gave. And so I kind of want people to go back and re-listen because I think that will be helpful. And I always say, I think we listen to podcasts like with one ear paying attention and we're doing the dishes or we're doing the laundry or whatever. So it's hard to remember everything. So if you could choose just one thing that somebody listening would take away and really hold on to and not forget from this episode, what would that be?

Lori Montry 34:15

I think it would be just setting aside that time that we've been been talking about. You know, maybe it's maybe it's 30 minutes in in your week to sit down, look at the yeses that you made during the week, and really uh see if they are aligned and and if you can explain why you said yes, you know, I think that would be such an amazing starting point to to really under start to understand um why does this matter? Why was this something that I, you know, took on? I'd be so curious. My mind is still really set on why did Cheryl say yes to planning the junior prom?

Cheryl Fischer 35:00

I'm so curious. I could tell you why, actually, since you asked. Uh it a friend of mine who was also a teacher was wanting to do it because they really needed someone. And she was like, I can't do it by myself. Can you please do this with me? And I was just not able to say no to her. Good friends say yes was and I mean there were some good things that came out of it, but it was very it was very much too much for me. And I think I probably wish I had said no, even though there were good things that came out of it. So I don't know if I would call that people pleasing. I mean, I guess it was, but I I did it sort of on purpose because my friend needed help as well. You know, I don't know.

Lori Montry 35:49

Yeah. And you know what? We don't need to one of the questions does not need to be was this people pleasing or not? Who cares if we label it, you know, that way. Um, so the the yes came um for a good reason because it was aligned with your values of helping a friend, right? So that's the first question. Was this aligned with my values truly? And then the second question always has to be, and do I have the capacity for it right now? And that's probably where the no would have come in.

Cheryl Fischer 36:24

Correct. Correct. Yeah, it's it that's that example always comes to mind because it was it was definitely an overwhelming situation. And I saw how I got there, you know? And sometimes I don't know if we have quite that much clarity about how we get ourselves into these situations. Yeah, that one I definitely saw. Again, I think this, I think this discussion is really gonna give whoever's listening some things to think about, and I think that's good. And what you're actually saying is take that time to think about these things, and that's a healthy thing that we can do for ourselves.

Lori Montry 37:02

Exactly. Yeah, it's it's healthy and and it's um and it's kind, right? We ask the question, how do I become someone that I'm trying to please too? Right? And and this is a real step um toward that, toward understanding yourself and and taking yourself into account. Yeah.

Cheryl Fischer 37:24

Well, Lori, thank you so much for joining me today. I really like, I feel like you come at this from a very kind and thoughtful angle, and I really like that. I appreciate that. So thank you for being here.

Lori Montry 37:37

Yeah, thank you, Cheryl. I had a great time, and we can, I'm sure we could go on for days with this topic and many more.

Cheryl Fischer 37:45

I love Lori's one thing that we need to just sit down. She said maybe a half an hour, maybe it's less. Don't let yourself get stressed about the amount of time. Sit down for some amount of minutes, maybe once a week-ish. And think about what decisions you've made, what situations you've been in the past week or the past few weeks, how did they make you feel? What can you learn from that? That thoughtfulness about our decisions and about how our actions have affected us is really powerful. And that's something that I coach women through as well. When we go through the being profile, when we do the midlife recharge, that's where we start, and we figure out oh my goodness, which pieces do I want to look very different than what they look like right now? Absolutely powerful. And I appreciate Lori pointing that out. And interestingly, very, very regularly, the one thing that we want to remember is related to trusting your intuition, trusting your gut. And this is what Lori's one thing is related to as well. Your body knows, your intuition knows. A lot of times we get a little nudge, whether it's a feeling or it's a thought in our head, and then we we dismiss it.

Closing Thoughts And Intuition Reminder

Cheryl Fischer 39:07

That is powerful stuff. And we want to try to teach ourselves to listen. We get to choose, right? It's always our choice, but to listen and take that in. Oh, so many more pieces of this discussion that we could have. I hope this has at least been thought-provoking for you. I hope you can slow down and you can try to learn from some of the decisions you made and some of the things you have going on. Reach out to Lori if you want help with that, absolutely. And until next time, keep remembering midlife is your time to take just a little bit better care of yourself on the outside and on the inside. Just a little bit more care makes a huge difference.