96. How to Stop People Pleasing and Start Trusting Yourself in Midlife (Part 1 of 2)

Are You A People Pleaser

Cheryl Fischer 0:00

So let me ask you this. Would you consider yourself to be a people pleaser? It's kind of a loaded question. Do you think of yourself as a people pleaser? We're gonna talk about it today because I say most of us in various situations are, and we can learn how to have great relationships with people without overdoing it to this extent. Let's talk about it. Welcome to Mind Your Midlife, your go-to resource for confidence and success, one thought at a time. Unlike most advice out there, we believe that simply telling you to believe in yourself or change your habits isn't enough to wake up excited about life or feel truly confident in your body. Each week, you'll gain actionable strategies and, oh my goodness, powerful insights to stop feeling stuck and start loving your midlife. This is the Mind Your Midlife podcast. I've had a couple conversations recently with family members that have really brought this question to the forefront for me. And I'm sure you have as well. I'm sure you have. We all have. So let me tell you what they were dealing with. And then you're gonna see why we are actually doing a two-part series today's episode and next week's episode on people pleasing from slightly different angles. Okay, so one of the people I was talking to was saying that he was doing some lessons, private lessons for a sport, and had basically realized that the person he was doing these private lessons with had sort of they'd reached their max. And if he wanted to learn some more skills, he would probably need to use a different person or a different format to go on to these other skills. This person he was working with had a specialty and he had kind of reached the max on that particular specialty. And yet it was a little nerve-wracking to think of canceling, ending it. Was she gonna feel bad? All of that stuff. Absolutely reasonable, yet it might be a hard thing to do. This other person that I was talking to was saying that she has been organizing events, uh, what would we call it? Vendor events, on a regular basis. And somehow she became the organizer, and so everyone is coming to her, they want to get a table, she organizes it all. She doesn't want to do it anymore. She doesn't want to spend her Saturdays that way anymore. But she doesn't know how to stop because she doesn't want to disappoint all of these people. And it's so easy for me to say to these people, or maybe to you, if we've ever had a conversation like this, well, just stop. Just let them know, give them some notice, and just stop. No one expects you to do this forever. And quite frankly, somebody else might step in, especially in the case of organizing these events. But that's easy to say, isn't it? I'm not in the middle of that scenario. You're not in the middle of that scenario. It's not necessarily easy to do. And that is because we don't want to upset people. We don't want to sound too harsh. We don't want to be rude. And we're afraid of how someone will think about us.

Rude Vs Nice Vs Kind

Cheryl Fischer 4:01

So today we're gonna talk about this people-pleasing situation from the perspective of rude versus nice versus kind, and how we're interacting and communicating with people. And then next week, I have an expert guest joining me, and we're gonna talk about this from the perspective of our nervous system and healing somatically in our body as we try to move through these situations. I think the two episodes are gonna go together really well. So make sure wherever you're listening to this right now, hit the follow button so that you get notified about next week. Okay. You don't want to be rude, you don't want to be too harsh, you don't want to make someone else feel bad, you don't want to leave someone in the lurch. Of course you don't. Of course you don't. I mean, maybe you do if you're kind of an uncaring and harsh person, but I don't think you are. And it reminds me of a situation you may have heard me say before, that I used to be growing a business in the direct selling industry. So I had health and wellness products that I still use and love, and I was talking to people about them, right? Simple. And I said to the woman who was mentoring me, well, I don't want to be pushy. I'm worried about being pushy. I don't want to be pushy. And she said to me, the fact that you're saying that and you're aware of it already means you're not going to be pushy. People who are pushy have no awareness of it at all and don't even realize. I agree with her. I think she was right. I think we can apply that same logic here. And let's get rid of the I don't want to be rude thing right away. If you are thinking that in whatever the interaction is with whoever the person is, if you are thinking that you don't want to be rude, you're already not going to be because you're aware of it. Let's just take it off the table. I think when we're rude, it's because we're upset, we have our emotions are high, we're not really realizing the power of our words. It's not when we're already aware of it and we're thinking, oh, I don't want to be rude. Well, we're not going, you're not going to be. Yeah? You're not going to be. If you're already aware of that, put it aside. You've taken care of it. The awareness is what took care of it. It has been 50 years of practice for us to make sure that that other person is happy and we want to be kind. We want to be nice, we want to not be creating a problem. And sometimes it's so hard to say no, isn't it? It's hard to say no. So, how much of your energy on a regular basis are you spending managing what other people are feeling and thinking about you? I think that's a question we want to kind of sit with. Part of this comes from our upbringing, and this is going to change every generation. So Gen X is our generation. I'm assuming you're Gen X right along with me. We might have outliers of older millennial and younger baby boomers as well. But Gen X is who I'm talking to for the most part. And when we were growing up, there was a whole lot of good girl conditioning. And you heard me talk about this a few episodes ago with Ellen Baker as well. Go find that one if you are curious. We were socialized as girls to be agreeable, to be nice, to be accommodating, and to be very vigilant about the moods of others. Now, being vigilant about other people's moods can even be a safety issue. So if you can read the energy in a room or you can read the energy from a person and you can know when that person or that room doesn't feel safe, that's very valid. And don't try to talk yourself out of that. I don't want to say that. We're not going to go that far. However, this conditioning to always be the perfect hostess, to speak at the perfect volume, to behave in the perfect way, and to be agreeable in all scenarios does stick with us. And so that is what is often making it hard to disagree with someone or to say no to someone, especially if we have some inkling that it might make them feel bad. If the decision is, I'm trying to think of an example, the decision is, are we going to have hamburgers or hot dogs? And everybody likes both hamburgers and hot dogs, saying no to the hot dog is not probably going to make anyone feel bad. No big deal. We decide what we decide. However, many decisions, like my examples of having, you know, wanting to stop doing something that other people are going to be affected by, those are a little bit more challenging because it's in our subconscious brain, our behavioral wiring to be agreeable and to be accommodating to other people.

Why We Default To Nice

Cheryl Fischer 9:42

And that is what I think we can call nice. I said good girl, it also can be called nice. Nice has a little bit of a deference attached to it, a little bit of a weaker sort of angle or attitude attached to it. Whereas kind has a little bit more of a balance of power attached to it. I sure hope that we can all continue being kind. There are a lot of people in public life right now, TV, social media, just out and about, who are not kind. Quite the opposite, in fact. But kind is still a goal. Nice is the I'm accommodating, I'm making sure you're happy, I'm putting aside anything that I might want. Now that might be where your people pleasing comes from. The interesting thing is that might not be where your people pleasing comes from. Sometimes, and this is not really me, I don't think. So let me see if I can describe it and see if this agrees for you, or is see if this feels like a match for you. Sometimes people pleasing is you wanting to feel like you're in control. It's you subconsciously trying to control other people's emotions and trying to control other people's reactions. So if you continue doing the thing you don't want to do, or you make the choice that they want, even though you don't want it, you're being accommodating. Maybe they won't get mad at me. Maybe they won't be disappointed in me. That can come from, as strange as it may sound, a desire subconsciously to be able to control the situation. I'm not saying any of these things are good or bad. I'm not saying any of them are one's worse than the other, but I want you to see if you fit any of these. Is it this good girl conditioning that we should put ourselves behind everyone else? We should always accommodate. Is it maybe subconsciously trying to control other people and how they feel by our actions and our decisions? Or, and this is something we're going to talk about next week in a little more detail, is it maybe a fear of being disconnected? And this is a very much brain science situation here. Maybe in your subconscious brain, there is a belief that if you don't agree with whoever it is you're interacting with and you express that and you set a boundary in that way, maybe it will result in you being separated from that person. Abandonment is the fear. Or maybe they dislike you, you're out of the group. And our brains want safety all the time. They want to be in the group. So that fear of being disconnected, abandoned, can be behind people pleasing as well. Maybe that feels authentic for you. And we're going to come back to that next week for sure. So all of these things are happening behind the scenes in your subconscious brain and from these beliefs about how people work, how the world works, that you have developed over time in this sort of automated process that your brain is running. So let's play devil's advocate for a second. Well, what's wrong with just being accommodating? What's wrong with allowing the other person to get what they want? If it's not hurting us, what's wrong with that? It's a pattern. Of course, if you wanted Chinese food and your friend wanted Mexican food and you said, you know what, let's go have Mexican food and you accommodated them. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that. It's the pattern. Is it always happening that way? Are you always doing what the other people in your life want? Are you always deferring to them? Are you always saying yes to things that you really don't want to do? It's the pattern that is the problem. In any particular instance, it might be absolutely the right thing to do, to go eat the Mexican food instead of the Chinese food that you wanted. That's great. It's the pattern.

The Hidden Costs Of Pleasing

Cheryl Fischer 14:35

And what is it costing us? Let's talk about this a little bit because I do want us all to be kind. I'm sure you want to be kind. We talked about rude already. We don't want to be rude. We're aware of that. There's a cost to us of always accommodating the other person, always giving up on what we want and going with what the other person wants, always saying yes when we'd rather say no, or vice versa. It the first thing that potentially happens is we start building up resentment. And resentment is one of those emotions that really can build and build and build because we don't always realize it's there. So every time that you and I are saying yes, when we mean no, it's as if we're depositing another, I don't know, 10 bucks into this resentment account. And eventually we hit the max. And when we hit the max, then we start acting out. And that could be being passive aggressive. If you've never been passive aggressive, raise your hand. Nobody's raising their hand. We've all done it. It comes from maxing out on this resentment account. You could also call it frustration. We'll reach a point where it's like little pieces of it are coming out. Little passive aggressive comments, little passive aggressive remarks. It's because you've hit your max on this resentment because you've continually been depositing into the account and now it's leaking out. Maybe it's burnout. And I talked about that on last week's episode as well. Go back and find episode 95. Burnout can be very severe and significant. It can be more of a depleted situation where you've just kind of run out of energy. That can come from building up this resentment because you're always saying the opposite of what you really want to say. You're doing the opposite of what you really want to do. That's one cost. Another cost is you are potentially losing trust in yourself. And I I think this might be the biggest issue that people pleasing causes. But if you trust yourself, that means you have confidence in the decisions you make and the opinions you have and how you are being in the world. And you know that when you stick with those decisions and you take the actions that you're inclined to take, it's going to feel right. That's self-trust. And so every time we are spending our time trying to figure out what others want and trying to figure out what we should do in order to keep them happy and control their emotions, we're putting aside a decision we would rather make, right? So we're taking money out of the self-trust account. And then we're taking some more out. And then we're taking some more out. And we gradually stop trusting that whatever the decision was, the inclination, the gut feeling, even that I want to go here, I want to do this, I don't want to do that. We stop trusting that because we're so used to trusting someone else's. You're trusting other people's gut instinct, other people's decisions, and that erodes your trust in yourself. Over time, and of course, this is very much more severe. Over time, you stop believing that you can make a good decision. And you stop believing that your opinion is one of value. You just deplete it. Now, running all through this is mental exhaustion. That's somebody give that number three. It is mentally exhausting to allow all this stuff to be running around in our brains all the time. And I would say the same thing about worry and have said, and I'm sure we're gonna wrap around and talk about worry again because we struggle with it, because your brain wants to be safe and comfortable and it worries about not being safe and comfortable. But if we are spending a lot of time trying to figure out, oh, here's this situation where I really want to say no, but I think I have to say yes, what's gonna happen? How am I gonna feel? How are they gonna feel? How am I gonna feel? What should I do? Can I do anything else? Whoo! Mental exhaustion and emotional exhaustion too, really. And then what about after the fact? Questioning whether you acted correctly, whether you spoke correctly. Did I talk too much? Was I too loud? Was I too excited? Was I overwhelming? I do this to myself. Some people in my life I get very silly with. I think that's a big plus. I think we should all be sillier. I think laughter is healthy. But did I do it too much? Was I too much? Was I too loud? Did we get too loud? Were they annoyed at me? Or is she mad at me? What did she think about that? Should I not have done that? Could that did she not understand what I meant? The reality is there are going to be a lot of things in life that you do and say that other people will take the wrong way. This is happening in my life right now, where I feel like in a particular situation, it's almost as if we're speaking different languages. We can't seem to figure out how to understand each other, and we'll hopefully continue working on that. And so, yes, sometimes you might get on someone's nerves. Sometimes they might be upset with you. It could be valid, in which case maybe you talk it through, you apologize, you figure out what happened. It could be a complete misunderstanding, a complete miscommunication. And you can't control that. And I bet you it's happened in reverse. I bet you you've been upset with someone, and eventually you talked it out, and they've said, well, that's not what I meant at all. And whatever was in your head, in your past, in your context, made you interpret something that they did or said in a different way. The energy drain, the mental and emotional exhaustion of ruminating over this all the time is really going to bring you down. So the more we can switch that off and shift away from it when we realize we're doing it, the better. We are potentially building up that resentment and frustration. Till we pop, we're potentially taking out of our self-trust. We're gonna stop trusting ourselves to know anything, do anything, make a decision. And just in general, a drain of energy, absolute drain.

Spot The Pattern In Real Time

Cheryl Fischer 22:15

So, what do we do? Oh no, what do we do? As I always say, I'm never gonna leave you with all the bad and no nothing good, no tip for something that you can do about this. The first step is always to simply realize if this is a pattern that you are in regularly. Are you stuck in nice? I'm doing air quotes, and keeping the peace and avoiding conflict, and maybe even not telling, ooh, this is one that I get caught in sometimes. Not telling the full story or the whole truth because you don't want to create conflict or upset someone. Hiding from that conflict, avoiding it, saying a different answer than what you would want, all that nice stuff that is you putting yourself at a lower level than anyone else in your life. Recognizing it is the first step always. Because we're all going to do it occasionally. And recognizing it occasionally is also a good first step. But what we really want to recognize is a pattern. Is this something that, okay, Cheryl, I'm hearing you say this right now, and I'm realizing, uh, yeah, I kind of do that all the time. Because nice, like we said at the beginning, is different than kind. Kind is about being honest, being clear, respecting yourself as much as you respect the other person. So when I describe those, is there a pattern? Then you're kind of sitting in one or the other. So, first step, recognize the pattern. Now, the next thing is all the way back to a very early episode of Mind Your Midlife. We talked about saying sorry and thanks all the time. And I want you to listen as this next step on recognizing our people pleasing. I want you to listen to your language. Because overapologizing is something that we can stop doing. And over-apologizing is very much tangled up inside people pleasing. So, how often are you saying I'm sorry for things that don't need an apology? Should you be saying I'm sorry when things need an apology? Yes. Please don't take me the wrong way. Apologizing is really important and powerful. However, if you're saying I'm sorry because you are asking a question, or because you can't go somewhere or do something, or because you let me tell you what I do sometimes. I'm playing mahjong with my friends. We're all cheering each other on. Sometimes I win a couple times in a row and I'm like, ah, sorry, Mahjong. What? Why am I saying sorry? If they won, I would be thrilled for them. They're probably thrilled for me. Why am I apologizing? That's what I mean by over-apologizing. There are things that don't require an apology that we do almost as if we're apologizing for taking up space in the world, for being a part of the situation. So, first we're going to recognize a pattern. We're going to check and see, am I over-apologizing? And we're going to try to stop. And even though we don't want to use thank you too much, here's what you can do. If you're constantly saying, I'm sorry, I just have one question. Or Mahjong, sorry. Jeez. Ridiculous. Or, oh, I'm so sorry I'm late. I mean, maybe that's appropriate. How late are you? Try flipping it and expressing gratitude. Try flipping it and saying, thank you so much for this information. I just have one question. Or you're a few minutes late. Thank you so much for waiting. I'm here. You're still being kind because you're expressing gratitude. I don't know about my mahjong scenario. That's really just a stop saying sorry one, but maybe I could say thanks for playing with me. Or what something. I don't know. Try it. See if you can flip what it is that you're getting stuck in to gratitude instead.

Let People Feel Their Feelings

Cheryl Fischer 26:43

And then the next thing is we're gonna need to let other people feel how they feel. And if those other people, and gosh, I'm saying this to myself right now, but I've said there's rough situations going on in my life that this applies. If those other people are upset, we're gonna have to let them be upset. You may have heard this from Mel Robbins, but it's okay if someone is upset. It doesn't necessarily mean that it's your job to fix it. And it's a little bit hard for me to make a sweeping statement like that because if you did something wrong and you wronged someone, then of course you should be apologizing. We want to be kind. However, sometimes we don't agree with other people and they're unhappy about that, and you know that you've made the decision or taken the action that was the best for you and the best you could do, and you had good intentions. We can't always keep people from being upset. Or maybe you set a boundary about something and someone got upset about that. It's not your job to fix how someone else feels because of a decision you made that didn't harm them, or because of a boundary you set that is not meaning harm to them. So we need to let them feel what they feel, and it's okay, and we don't have to take action on it, and we don't have to do anything about it. We let them. And that's pretty powerful. You can look up more of what she says about that. So there's a couple of tips for you. And next week, more coming. We have some somatic exercises for you to work on allowing your body to feel this and work on being okay with that, which is the next really important piece. So make sure you come back for episode 97. Right now, we're gonna start small. I want you to try this in situations that are let's call it low stakes, right? Situations where maybe it's a little more serious than the I want Chinese and you want Mexican food for dinner, but still pretty low stakes. We're making a plan, and actually you realize that you really don't want to go and do that thing. Practice saying that. Maybe it's I absolutely think you guys should go. I just am feeling like this is not what I want to do. So go ahead without me. I'll catch up with you the next time. Obviously, I'm making up situations here. Maybe it's this family member I was talking to letting all of her vendor people know that she's gonna be running this event for two more months or until the end of the year or whatever it is, and then she's gonna be stepping down. And if someone else would like to step in as coordinator, they can. Otherwise, they may need to look for other events in the new year. It's communicating that. That might be a little bit bigger than starting small, but it depends on how much emotion you have attached to it, right? Find yourself some low-stake situations and try it. Now, here's one that we all probably come in contact with or encounter occasionally. What if you have purchased something or ordered something at a restaurant or something like that, and it's wrong? I actually, this is embarrassing to admit. I actually ordered a fish sandwich recently at a restaurant, and they gave me accidentally the chicken, and it was, I was treating myself. It was a breaded, the fish or the chicken. So I didn't even realize it at first. And then I was like, I don't want to be a pain, I'll just eat the chicken sandwich. Maybe that's fine, right? I had a fine chicken sandwich, whatever. But that's what I mean by a low-stakes situation. If you are someone who says, I don't want to be a bother, I don't want to complain, I don't want that's that's classic. But it's also small. Wave over the waiter and say, I think this is wrong. And say it kindly because you're practicing and see how it goes. In fact, find me and let me know how it goes. I would love to share stories of this because it's such it's such a pervasive thing. So,

Midlife Is Too Short

Cheryl Fischer 31:20

as we wrap up this episode, let me say this. If you remember what Stephanie said last week, we are in the second or third quarter of our lives right now, which means around the second half. The second half of life is too short to spend worrying about whether someone likes you, whether someone is mad at you, whether someone is upset about something in these low-stakes situations. If it's a high-stak situation, maybe you need help with it. Maybe you need some type of counseling, or maybe you need something that is bigger. But there's so many of these low-stakes situations that we can absolutely stand up for ourselves. It is not our responsibility to control someone else's emotions. There is too much going on in this period of life that we're worried about what somebody thinks about us. And I will see you next week because we are gonna dive into how our nervous systems are talking to us and what we can do about that from a somatic, from a body comfort perspective. So make sure you've hit the follow button. I will see you back here. And until next time, keep remembering midlife is your time to take just a little bit better care of yourself. On the outside, move your body, and on the inside, and that's mind and emotions. Just a little bit more care makes a big difference.