Why Midlife Women Struggle to Relax and How to Change That (Ask MYM, Ep. 47)

0:00 I got two questions in August for a Q&A episode that are more or less the opposite of each other, and this makes a perfect discussion. So should we relax at this period of life? Should we not relax? What in the world is going on with all the conflicting advice? Let's see if I can help you out a little bit, because you get to do what you want. Let's talk about it. Welcome to Mind your Midlife, your go-to resource for confidence and success, one thought at a time.

0:42 Unlike most advice out there, we believe that simply telling you to believe in yourself or change your habits isn't enough to wake up excited about life or feel truly confident in your body. Each week, you'll gain actionable strategies and oh my goodness, powerful insights to stop feeling stuck and start loving your midlife. This is the Mind your Midlife Podcast. Powerful insights to stop feeling stuck and start loving your midlife. This is the Mind your Midlife podcast. If you haven't heard the Q&A episode from last month about once a month-ish, we are doing this on Mind your Midlife and that means you get to ask questions and I will answer them on the podcast.

1:27 Amazing how that works right? So if you are thinking, well, wait a minute. I want to ask a question that she's going to answer on the podcast. Go to the show notes right now, in whatever app you're listening to this in, and click on the link that says text me a question. It will do text. You will get a text, don't worry, it's real, it's not spam. You can ask me a question and that's it. We'll see what comes up. All right, so we're talking about relaxing today, and here's the first question. Susan G reached out and said I have a hard time resting or just sitting.

2:07 What should I try? I actually have a very close family member well, more than one of them, to be honest, more than one who has this same issue. So one person that I'm thinking of. She is kind of always moving around. She's cooking something, cleaning something, doing something, wants to sit down and kind of hang out, but somehow is still up and doing something and then collapse into bed at night and then up this and I think, gosh, am I lazy?

2:47 Should I be all the time doing something? And so here's the reality. We're going to talk about how you can relax and sit down, because it is important to do that sometimes, but don't let anyone tell you that if you're more prone to want to always be moving around and doing something, that there's something wrong with that. Or if you have no idea what the world's using us talking about and you are loving to sit down and relax, like I do, that's not wrong either. You get to do what you want to do, especially in this period of time, aren't we just kind of we do not care club about what people are telling us, right?

3:29 So, with that being said, what we need to do is look behind the curtain, and that's why we're here, that's why we're talking mindset, because if you simply physically have a lot of energy and you like to be moving around, there's nothing wrong with that, and again, I'm going to give you some ways to relax while moving in just a minute. What we want to figure out is is there something behind that, where there's a whole lot of head trash going on, that you're either trying to escape and running away from that head trash, or that it's running, running, running all the time, and that's why you're moving, moving, moving.

4:15 Okay, let me explain what I mean. So, on the one hand, it could be sometimes that we have thoughts in our head about what we should be doing and we're not, or what we should look like and we don't, or how so and so is so much more amazing than we are, and how this or that is not fair and believe me, I have this too. Our brains are wired to keep us safe and sometimes that keeping us safe gets a little critical, kind of holding us on the couch in a comfortable safe spot, comparison trap where and this happened to me recently about something going on in my life where we're looking at other people and we're just getting so jealous of what they have and we think it's so much better than what we have.

5:11 It's okay that those types of thoughts happen. They're going to, and the goal is to learn how to catch them and flip them around. And if you don't have my story cycle resource that's exactly why I made it Go to CherylPFishercom slash story cycle and get it. It's going to help you to start recognizing this. But what we're talking about today is is your need to keep moving and never slow down a way to run away from that stuff in your head? When you slow down, does it get louder? Because if that is the case, then what we want to work on is the thoughts more so than the ability to slow down and sit for a while, or not.

5:59 The thoughts are more important. Because the thoughts if imagine if you had someone talking to you all day, all night. Wow, that's a lot. Imagine how much information they could impart to you. What really is happening is you're talking to you all day and all night and if it's tearing you down, if it's something you would never say to someone else, it's just so much more mean and critical than you never say to someone else, it's just so much more mean and critical than you would say to someone else then that's what we want to catch and that's what I coach a lot of people with. So go to CherylPFishercom, slash coaching and let's set up a free call and talk about it.

6:39 In the meantime, I just want you to notice, I just want you to recognize, if I just pause for a minute in my cooking and cleaning and going and doing, what's going on in my head, and this is what the story cycle will help you with. How am I feeling? What's going on in my head? Am I running from something? Because as soon as you notice, it takes away some of that power. That is the very first step. Now, the other situation that I alluded to before, is that your thoughts are causing you, maybe, to go and go and go and go. So, same solution, same first step.

7:20 But it could be that, because you're telling yourself you're not good enough, or they're better, or they did more, you should have done this your brain is going go do it, go do it. No, don't sit down, you're lazy. If you sit down, you're lazy. If you don't do this, go do it. I want you to pause and I want you to see if that's what it is and again, recognizing that is really a powerful first step, because if we can recognize it and go, huh what? That's not true. It doesn't even make any sense. It takes away the power. So, if that's what's going on, we want to work on the thoughts and the emotions first.

8:02 If you simply are someone who likes to move and doesn't like to sit still and has a lot of energy, then here's what I want you to try, because relaxing really is healthy, and I don't just mean plopping on the sofa. We all like to plop on the sofa and have a Netflix marathon every now and then. That's not really relaxation, that's sitting on the sofa watching TV. So I want you to find a way to have something that's calming for your body, meaning calming your nervous system. If your nervous system is going to be calm, if you can take deep breaths and feel just just kind of very calm, cool and collected, not stressed, I want you to be able to do that with your body and I want you to be able to give your mind a break.

8:50 We need downtime. So what do I mean by that? The easiest way to describe it is to do something outside without any electronics attached to you, or meditation, or maybe reading something that's very light and non-stressful. I'll give you that maybe as number three. Stressful. I'll give you that maybe as number three. So the first one if you live near any park with trees, somewhere you can go and take a hike around your neighborhood works. But if we're really going for relax, I'd like for you to be near trees, seeing sky, seeing grass, if you can, and walk with no earbuds, no podcast listen to me later no music, no phone call, no texting.

9:45 You could put yourself on airplane mode if that's a safe thing for you to do in that moment, or simply put the phone somewhere where you're not even going to feel it buzzing and walk and just look, look at the leaves on the trees, look at the grass, look at the sky. I would say look at the clouds, because I love to do that, but you're probably going to fall if you do that. While walking, maybe you pause and you sit in the grass and you look at the shapes of the clouds and you try to think what they're shaped like. Let yourself be in the moment and even though you're moving and this is why I say this in answer to Susan's question if you aren't good at sitting, still okay, move, don't push it, just stroll.

10:32 You're strolling, you're looking at the trees, you're looking at the grass, you're taking deep breaths. I've talked on a prior episode about a walking meditation. Go find that episode I'll put it in the show notes where you can go through all of your senses. Meditation is not something that is very strange to do and you have to say certain things. It's being in the moment and so if you're paying attention to what's going on around you, you're kind of walking. I think of it as like a cool down. My daughter, for many, many years, rode horses. She, I think, would have kept going with it if we lived in a more convenient place or if she had gone to college near somewhere that had horses and she loved it.

11:19 Being with animals is great, and when she was finished riding, first of all, they would walk the horse around. Then when she got off the horse, sometimes when it was hot, she was still walking the horse around. Sometimes she was even hosing the horse off or brushing the horse. There was a whole cool down process involved. So this idea of taking a walk when you're being really present in your surroundings, think of it as kind of a cool down for your brain and your body. And if you're really not great at sitting, still this can be your thing to do regularly, a few times a week. The more the better, but don't push yourself so that it becomes a struggle when you can do it.

12:04 So that's the first one. The second one I'm going to say straight on meditation, and I understand that that can be difficult, but maybe you try a meditation app like Calm that gives you someone with a voice speaking in your head who can help you, and you just kind of sit down and you find something for just five minutes and try it, and maybe then, just 10 minutes after you get used to the five minutes, maybe you do what I've also shared on an episode that I like to do and you lie down on the floor and put your legs up against the wall which is so good for you and you put a timer on your watch or your phone for five minutes and you just kind of timer on your watch or your phone for five minutes and you just kind of focus on your breathing in, out, and that's it.

12:58 It's a mental rest that we're after in addition to the physical. And if you're a reader like me and you have something very light, very enjoyable, very entertaining, then maybe it's that maybe you sit down for a few minutes and you have something very light, very enjoyable, very entertaining, then maybe it's that Maybe you sit down for a few minutes and you read. I think number one and number two are your best options for trying. How can I rest, how can I relax if I'm not someone who sits down a lot or can sit still very well? So, susan, I hope that helps. Now, here's why I thought it was interesting that these two questions came in. The second question I hope that helps. Now, here's why I thought it was interesting that these two questions came in. The second question I got is from Angie D and she says is it odd that I don't want to take on a new challenge or make a big change?

13:41 I want to relax. Isn't that a funny opposite question? Now, first of all, let me say no, of course it's not odd. I think this question comes from probably if I'm guessing Angie this comes from the fact that a lot of what we talk about on Mind your Midlife and a lot of what you probably read about, if you're searching things about almost at retirement, midlife, empty nest, all that sort of thing is trying something new or getting out there new hobby, start a business, start a podcast, whatever it might be. We see a lot of that, we hear a lot of that, we talk about that a lot.

14:24 I want to go do this thing before I end my career or whatever it is, and all that's great, but it's not required, right? It's something for those of us who feel really drawn to make a change or try something new. Speaking for myself, I always like to be learning something, trying something I like change, and that's me something. Trying something I like, change, and that's me. If you are reaching this point, reaching this point in your life and you're thinking I've done what I wanted to do. I'm happy with my professional life, I'm happy with my family and friend relationships, I'm happy with how I'm treating my body in terms of health and movement, then I want you to enjoy the heck out of that for as long as you can.

15:16 And if we go kind of back into the mindset of this question as well, I feel like maybe there's hidden somewhere in there a should or a should not, like we might feel like we should be trying this big thing that we can talk about on social media and share at the holidays and brag about. Because we see all these other people talking about this big thing that they're doing. And maybe there's a voice in your head saying well, what are you doing? You're just going to work every day and you're just going for a walk and you're just meeting your friends sometimes and doing a bit of travel and playing with your grandkids or whatever that.

16:05 What is that? Why aren't you out there changing the world? That's a thought. That is you falling again into the comparison trap. Or maybe it's your brain, in an ironic twist, trying to keep you safe because it wants you to fit in. It sees all these people doing all these things and it feels like safety comes from fitting in. That's where the comparison trap comes from, by the way, is our need to want to fit in and be like other people. And so, first of all, I just want to say this Anything that you see online is the very best version of reality.

16:51 For someone else, it's the movie highlight, or maybe not even reality. In this day and age, who knows, people can AI things all over the place. So know that if you're looking at somebody and you're looking at their highlight reel on their social media or whatever, you're seeing all the good part. All the good parts. You're not seeing any of the low periods. So comparison, no, it's not helping you and it's not even true. And if you're kind of just the type of person who always likes a challenge but you also you have this conflict going on inside of you. Yeah, I always like a challenge. I don't want to be bored, but, man, I feel like I deserve to to chill and enjoy my life.

17:36 You do. You do deserve that, we all do, and so maybe there's a way to do something small. Try learn a new hobby or something like that, and keep it very low key, and maybe that satisfies this voice that's saying, hey, try something new. Hello, it's all about what we're telling ourselves. All about what we're telling ourselves. If you're moving your body and you're happy with your professional life and your relationship, part of your life and you're moving through midlife and just wanting to chill, please do, please do.

18:16 And if you heard me give Susan those ideas on meditation, on an, on a walk that is a mindful walk, do that, absolutely do those things. It will help all of us to try them. One of my friends said to me it sort of applies here, but we're going to use it. Said to me a couple years ago, when I was looking at a podcast and I was getting my coaching certification and I was, you know, having a little imposter syndrome at that time like how's this all going to go? I said you know who am I to advise people on this or that? And she said you're 50, something.

18:56 You've lived. Anybody who gets to this age has lived and has so much life wisdom to share. You wouldn't be here if that wasn't the case, and that is what I say to you. Wouldn't be here if that wasn't the case, and that is what I say to you. You've lived, and if the right thing for you is to now chill for a bit. Then please chill for a bit. By the way, anybody who's listening and who's thinking am I a Susan, am I an Angie? It doesn't matter, you can be both. You can go for something new, try something different, change it up and build in relaxation and build in some nostalgia and loving your old pictures and getting together with old friends and spending time with kids and grandkids.

19:43 Whatever it is, you can do both. It doesn't have to be one or the other. Now the last question for today's episode. I encourage everyone to send in kind of silly questions. Sometimes this one came in anonymously. So what's something you've never done? That is surprising. And the funny part about this question is I was talking with some friends about this a couple months ago and one of my friends said that she had never been to Costco, and the rest of us our jaws hit the floor. How could you have never been to Costco? Oh, my goodness. Now I realize I have an international audience, so maybe that's the case for you.

20:24 I have never been to Waffle House, so I don't know if anyone's jaw hits the floor on that one, but that's what I thought of something. I have never been to Waffle House, so I don't know if anyone's jaw hits the floor on that one, but that's what I thought of Something I've never done. That is surprising. Now there's other things I've never done. I've never scuba dived, I've never jumped out of a plane what do you call it? Parachute, but I don't know how surprising that is. I imagine some of you have not done that either. Hey, find me on social media, cheryl P Fisher, almost everywhere on social media and tell me what's something you've never done. That is surprising. Okay, so this Q&A episode. I'm encouraging you to relax and I'm encouraging you to listen to your gut, take care of yourself. It's exactly the right thing to do and it doesn't have to be difficult or strenuous.

21:06 Oddly enough, we sometimes make relaxing kind of a challenge. That doesn't really make sense for us to make relaxing strenuous, does it? So add it in a little bit, a little bit here and there, and maybe you'll learn to love it. And make sure you've hit the follow button, because next week I have a guest joining me and we are going to talk about giving ourselves permission to thrive at this period of life. And what in the world does that mean and how are we going to do that? Make sure you join me and, in the meantime, slow down, just like we talked about.

21:48 Notice what's going around you, notice what's going on in your head and let's create something amazing.