How to Get Clear on What You Really Want in Midlife, Even With Plot Twists, with Anna Rosa Parker (Ep. 30)

0:00 One of the themes of so many conversations that I have with clients or friends or guests on this podcast is that we want to create an amazing life and we get stuck in figuring out. What does that mean and where do we go next? And am I just repeating the same habits? I've been always repeating what if I want something different? And that's such a vague way to say that at this stage of life, we want to kind of examine how we think about our choices, how we think about what we want and what maybe is holding us back, and so today we're going to talk about a really empowering way to think that through.

0:58 Stick with me, welcome to Mind your Midlife, your go-to resource for confidence and success. One thought at a time, unlike most advice out there. We believe that simply telling you to believe in yourself or change your habits isn't enough to wake up excited about life or feel truly confident in your body. Each week you'll gain actionable strategies and oh my goodness, powerful insights to stop feeling stuck and start loving your midlife. This is the Mind your Midlife podcast. One of my favorite movies is the Holiday, and it's a Christmas movie.

1:43 There's a house swap and a woman from LA goes to England and a woman from England goes to LA. They swap houses. I don't know if that's a thing in real life. You can, you can click and send me a message from the show notes and tell me have you ever house swapped? Is that a thing in real life? But I really always remember a scene in that movie where the woman from LA who, excuse me backwards, the woman from England who's now in LA is having dinner with her older neighbor and he was involved in the movie industry back in the day and they're talking about the fact that she needs to be the main character in her own life.

2:25 And she continued in his view and she, I think, agrees with him to be the supporting character. And she says of course you're supposed to be the main character in your own life. And that just always stuck with me as a really interesting way to think about it. It doesn't mean all decisions made only for our own benefit. It does mean the movie, if you take it as a movie, is about our life. So putting other characters front and center all the time in every way in that story is a little bit skewed. So that led me to find this week's guest, Anna Rosa Parker, because she has such a fascinating way of helping her clients to create their authentic stories.

3:19 And I'm not talking about writing a biography or writing your story, but what she does is help people to map out the story of their lives, and you're going to hear us talk a lot about storytelling. We want you to look back and be able to look forward and be empowered to do that, and I think this conversation is really going to help you. Now, anna is a fascinating person who has been in theater, who splits her time between New York City and Iceland and really brings that unique perspective, so I'm thrilled to have Anna join us.

4:06 Okay, so welcome, anna, thank you. Thank you for having me. I'm excited about this conversation. So today we're talking about our lives as stories, and my first question, to kind of get us started, is really how did this perspective help you? And how can it help others in general? Yeah, to use it as a story, right? Yeah, I mean, I love that question. I believe that our lives are narratives, like birth is, as we know, is the beginning, and then life, as we call it, is the middle and then death is the end.

4:51 Right, but I believe that we are meant to be the creator and writer, authors of our own story and and as our lives. Story and as our lives, and once I was able to grasp that, it's been transformative for me. It's helped me see that, like every chapter, if you will, whether it's a success or setback, is a part of a larger narrative that has shaped who I am. For example, when I transitioned from theater to luxury marketing, it felt like a detour at first, but looking back, I was like ah, that was a pivotal moment, like a plot twist that didn't only teach me how to craft stories in new ways, it was like a major stepping stone in the trajectory of my career.

5:40 Today and for my clients and others, I think this perspective can be you know just as powering it allows you to step back. And when you step back, you see your life not just as a series of random events that you just showed up at, but like more meaningful progression, like when you realize that you are the author of your story. More meaningful progression, like when you realize that you are the author of your story. You can rewrite the parts that no longer serve you and you can create the future that aligns with your values and your purpose. So do you think maybe it helps us sometimes to not have so many regrets, it helps us to sort of change that a bit?

6:26 Yeah, I mean, I believe that these regrets or those moments, they're here for a reason. They're here for us to go through something that we are meant to learn better or learn from, and sometimes these kind of moments, similar moments, repeat themselves. So that's obviously something that we should be looking into and, just like the idea of like unearthing and like defining your narrative, you can use that as a compass to guide you and into your next steps going forward. And, yeah, looking back and think of it as mistakes. I think it's. It doesn't have to be like that. I think it's. It doesn't have to be like that. I think having it as a, as a learning sort of a trajectory is.

7:09 I think it's much more sort of mindful and more fun to look at it that way. Yeah, I love the idea that a pivot then is kind of a plot twist and it takes us on this new adventure and that's kind of how I look at my career is a plot twist. Here we go New adventure a few times, yeah, yeah, that makes it exciting, right, it really does Onto a new adventure, yeah, and so does it then help as well to does this. Thinking of this as a story in this way does it help us to figure out where we're going? Also, does it help us to look forward where we're going. Also, does it help us to look forward. Yeah, that's the thing and the reason I created the framework.

7:50 It's called evoke, like to evoke your identity, and it's also an acronym. But the reason I created it was because I wanted to connect the dots going forward. I was kind of getting tired of looking back and say, oh, that makes sense now, but in it I was like, why am I here? What am I doing? Where should I go next? So, but if you craft it from there, like the roots, like you're the earth, like where you came from and then where you believe you want to go, and then everything in between it sort of gives you completion. It's like you are in charge too, you know yeah, I, when we first met, this really fascinated me because I was looking back and thinking you know, I worked in corporate and then I was a teacher and then I had a business and a trainer.

8:41 And yet when I know where I am now as a coach and podcaster, all of that makes sense, like I. Now I see, okay, I took this skill from this and I took that experience from this and it's powerful that I did this. But I don't think I had thought about it that way that it all goes together. Yeah, I know it's so much more powerful and beautiful and it just I don't know. I have this thing that I really had to sort of a heal, because I'm from Iceland and I live in New York. My family is very, you know, sort of a blended, and I was always trying to heal this sort of I don't want to be like two people, you know what I mean. You know what I mean.

9:21 So it used to be this way, like if I Googled myself like oh, there's the theater actress and then there's the marketing coach person, and then I was able to sort of amend it. If you will like, make it be part of the whole one story. You know trajectory. Right right, that's really fascinating because I tend to agree with you that we end up in places that make sense if we sort of look at the picture even bigger. So yeah, and I find that very healing and you know what it is. It's always going back into like who you are at the core, like your authenticity. I think that's very healing and that also gives you that, this power that you are the author of your life.

10:02 Yeah, that's a great point, that's great, and I'm like feeling that now, as I'm thinking about this, that's amazing. That makes me so happy. I get goosebumps when people have like these kind of aha moments or clarity. Yeah, for sure, Okay. So tell us more about this framework that you created. Yeah, so it is the idea of taking your narrative and using that as a compass. And in order to do that, we must be aware of what our story is, which is usually not the case with people they're unaware of, because we sort of just show up in life and things just kind of happen to us, if you will. But when we start to create it through this framework.

10:45 So basically, just in short, and I'll just say like kind of the highlights of it, it's much deeper than this, but I'll go so evoke, spelling out earth values, objective knowledge and essence. I take each category and we just sort of go through it. For example, the earth. That's like your roots, where did you come from? Like how, what was happening when you were born? What role did you play in your childhood? You know, how do you feel about your birthplace? All these things really matter to us. And to reframe it and to look at it where we came from, it's very powerful, because a lot of us have shame. We walk with shame for something we might be unaware of, that we have shame, something about where we came from.

11:27 But reframing it gives you this sort of a power and goes further into authenticity, especially when you're talking about knowledge, because a lot of people have untraditional knowledge, not something they studied, but something whether it's superpower you were born with or something you just are curious about and you start to learn it and these are often very valuable in the workplace that are not just like the job description, not just like the job description. So, going through all these little nooks and areas of our lives, it allows us to reframe. And in this, when we're looking at our going through our memory, our memory is not always a truth teller, because a lot of our memories are sort of a made up of some like little glimpses of moments that might not even be accurate, or we translate it in a certain way, like something.

12:21 Let's say, if a teacher gave you a constructive criticism, you felt hurt and so then that's that, that hurt is in your story. But we can go back and look at it and just reframe it. Oh, they really wanted me to. For example, um, I was in gymnastics and I was moved out of my group into a much more advanced group and one of the people in that group because these people were like 16 and they were like at the last year in their gymnastics and I was 12 and I had no business being there until one person said you know what, you don't really belong here, you need to go back to your group. And to me it was. It was such a rejection, it was awful Until, like I think, recently I brought this story up and I was like, come on, really I've been carrying this all along, you know, yeah, in my rejection, you know little closet.

13:11 Yeah, it's such a good point Because also, depending on our perspective of the situation, we might interpret something in a way that it wasn't even meant. And I know I've talked with so many people in coaching where they'll say, well, you know, my parent or whatever, always said this about me or thought I couldn't do whatever, always said this about me or thought I couldn't do whatever. And then we have to ask like really, are you sure? Because maybe that's not really what they meant and we just do this interpretation of it. Absolutely, absolutely, we do, and we we drop with this things, these memories and thoughts, and repeat them every, every day.

13:54 So that's another thing in the framework. We stop repeating the same thoughts and actions and feelings because we're able to reconstruct. We can use the past to understand now, and then you use all that to create and write your future. So if some particular part of our story or part of this framework is really kind of standing out to us as we think back and go through it, what does that mean? Does that tell us something? Yeah, that depends what it means by standing out. You know it can, it can hold like some profound, like insights.

14:34 So if you are meaning, meaning, for example, I would say two ways to stand out, right, what needs work and then what can be celebrated. So the parts of our story that stand out, um and have are revealing some um, reoccurring anxiety or or pain. Uh, it's often like something unresolved. So if you keep revisiting moments that trigger, it's probably some dust left in those corners and we need to clean and polish and look at that. And then also, what stands out we might not always be aware something that we have overcome or accomplished because we're so mean to ourselves that those positive moments, they, they should be up in all this and celebrated.

15:20 But we don't always do that. We just sort of skim over my stand out, but it's not like I did that, you know. Yes, we're so bad about celebrating, especially as women. You know, we just, we just go, we just do right, yes, yes. And I want to pause on that for a moment, because I could not possibly agree with you more. And it still hits me, even though I know this and I tell people this as well. I was doing a post recently on social media about the podcast and it had risen in the rankings and I was excited. And as I was about to hit the button on this post, then I thought to myself I don't know if I should put this like is it bragging?

16:06 You know, maybe I shouldn't put it. And then I was like no, hit the button, Come on, but it's still, it's the same thing. It's the same thing. We're not allowing ourselves to celebrate. But you know, who said that life was supposed to be hard? I mean, a lot of people say it, but it doesn't have to be, as in celebration makes it kind of cancels out almost certain. You know, challenges in a way, if we just like really really honor them. Yeah, of course we have challenges and it's not easy. But what I'm saying, we lean so much into the hardship versus what we actually accomplish and who we are as human beings.

16:46 Such a good point. I also think one thing that a lot of us fall victim to and I'm curious your perspective on this is just kind of I would call it coasting through life and just sort of letting things happen to us and not really paying attention, and one day is the same as the next day. The next day I read a book once. I can't remember what the book was, but they said basically we're walking through life kind of hypnotized just same same, same, same same same. And I'm wondering if maybe kind of thinking in this way is going to help with that. Absolutely. Yeah, I so agree. I like how you said it casting through life, Is that what? you said Coasting.

17:27 I mean coasting, yeah, coasting through life. So interesting. Yeah, that's what I mean, when people just sort of find, you know, series of events just sort of happen to them. Yeah, so, going back into or going in taking place and seat at the table of your own story is how we can pivot to our own authority to be really mindful and like awake as we decide what we are doing and because, like, it all repeats itself if we don't make anything new or change, and our thoughts repeat themselves, our feelings do, and therefore action.

18:10 So we have to start. You know we're shaking out the egg, but I believe that just sitting down and, even if you're not working with me or my framework, but really start to answer yourself, ask yourself some questions about why you're doing what you're doing, what you, what you actually really love, and and then going into those limiting beliefs that create that stuckness. And then, yeah, there are limiting beliefs and then they're also competing desires. That also gives, like you know, keeps us stuck when we are. You know, for example, if I'm working with a client who really wants to go all in and be a theater performer, but they don't like to travel, so then that's a competing desire.

18:54 Yes, it sure is, yeah, interesting. You know, we're not always aware of those and so, therefore, like you said, just coasting and just things are, you know, happening to us. But really going back into the, the, the author seat of your life is, it's just, it's so, it changes so much and and allowing ourselves, allowing ourselves to be ourselves I say this, I speak at NYU, here in New York, to young people to encourage them to really dive into not just who they are, but to be more of that what they are, because there's so much sameness and young people they find it hard to make choices because they think they have to show up as certain idea you know that's a great point and it's a little scary maybe to.

19:44 I like how you said be more of who you are. I really like that and I also get that in your 20s as well as really any stage that could be scary, because now maybe people look at you differently. Right Now maybe you have to kind of have a bit more strength and stand up for what you really want to be. Yeah, I think, just having authority for your decision making. And there's one thing that I also when I work with people, I really encourage them to be make decisions when they're in that parasympathetic nervous system, not in the stress mode, because that changes our decision making drastically.

20:27 Huge good point. Yes, yes. And before I really knew anything about mindset and nervous system and all of all of what we know is so powerful, before I knew any of that, a friend years ago said to me you're not going to be able to get a good idea about something I was struggling with unless you calm down. And she said just go in a quiet room and close your eyes and just slowly count to 20 and just calm yourself and then just see what happens. And that's what she was advising is to get into the parasympathetic nervous system and you never know what could happen. And yeah, I didn't have the words for it yet.

21:07 But, yes, it's powerful. And, yeah, even if we didn't have the words for it, but we subconsciously knew that we shouldn't be making, you know, decisions in a hasty and hastiness. But it's very powerful too, because that only helps you go more in and into your own intelligence, intuition. You know what, what you call it, it to to make this decision and it's more authentic. It's more, uh, original, like everything we do out of our own, from ourselves. It's just so much more interesting yeah, okay. So let me ask you this have you worked with a client who has been in her 40s or 50s and really kind of impacted by a lot of the midlife change that happens?

21:54 Yeah, yeah, can you tell us like a little bit of that? Yeah, the stuckness. I know it's a buzzword, but it really is. I think I saw somewhere that 70% of people after it's 40 they're going to be stuck at some point in their life, like in that era. And this is when we start to ask some questions about what are we doing? Why are we doing it like, where do I want to go next? This stuckness sort of takes over and you know, like my husband's midlife he just went out and bought a motorcycle and checked off the bucket list. Once he went down and broke a shoulder, oh no, but you know what I mean.

22:35 Like women, we have it a little bit differently. Not that he isn't mindful, he very much is. But when women have this sort of a stuckness, it's really beautiful to work with people and see them open up to this idea of being themselves and going back into because they might be. You know, when we are midlife we've kind of been serving serving, maybe, children or family members, taking care of others, and it doesn't always invite us to sit down and like, oh, I'm really gonna start to write my own life here, right, but one, once that stuckness is sort of a taken over and I start working with people, we really just go into your whole trajectory, where you came from and where you want to go and why, and there's just so much like, there's so much eye opening in that sitting, sitting with them and seeing where and how things really start to make sense.

23:35 Then there is that looking back and making sense of things, and so we take that and now we can make decisions going forward. And I wouldn't tell somebody to quit their attorney job to become a comedian overnight or something like that, but we can really start to make some changes towards what we actually want and what is fulfilling what we believe is our purpose, and a lot of people don't know what their purpose is, and I okay. So if you don't know what your purpose is and you don't know what you want to do, lean into your curiosity. What are you curious about? That's what I always do with with clients, because we underestimate curiosity.

24:16 We lean so much into the purpose and the passion, but there's no way I can be passionate every day. I'm not. I am curious every day, though I'm always curious and that there's so many answers than that, like what are you curious about? Dive into that, and that might help you become unstuck, because you will start to dig into what that is which, if I were to say it in the most simple way, just means slowing down and paying attention? Yeah, absolutely so. Curiosity kind of forces us to do that, doesn't it?

24:59 Maybe I need to recognize what's going on around me, recognize what's going on inside of me, wonder about it. Yeah, I like that concept a lot. Yeah, yeah, I think it's very powerful and we've spent so much. I think people have spent a lot of time being disappointed that they don't understand. They don't know what their purpose is, they don't know what they're calling or the passion is, but they're going to find something they're curious about. For sure. I think everybody is. Yeah, yeah, and maybe it turns into a whole new career and a whole new thing, or maybe it doesn't, but it turns into something that we love to do and maybe that's great. Yeah, but often does I mean how did you become a coach?

25:39 You were curious about you were working on yourself, or right? Yes, that's exactly my story. Excellent point. Okay, if you're listening right now, anna just nailed me. Yes, exactly what happened. And in fact, funnily enough, years ago I used to say all that personal development stuff, no, no, no, like I just need to do the work, that's all just what. I don't know what I said, but you know, it's all just silly. And here I am years later, having gotten curious about it. And here I am years later, having gotten curious about it and starting to learn, and then, you know, creating an entire business out of that. So beautiful. Yeah, congratulations, thank you, you did that.

26:22 You did that on your own, true, and it's. You know, it's not without bumps sometimes, but maybe that makes it more interesting. Yeah, yeah, you know, and that's like you were asking earlier when something stands out in the story, that can be those bumps too, and they're often there to something we want to polish a little further, you know, and also making us make slight left or slight right, and also certain learnings. They just take a few times over and over. We might get hit by the same thing. It's like we can also be toddlers in a way. They will stop running down the stairs after they fall a few times, that's a good point and maybe, going through this sort of storytelling format, we start to recognize that oh, I am making the same mistakes a few times.

27:16 Yeah, absolutely, and that's that's. It's so eye opening and powerful and again like just very, very healing when you can reframe your story and and and really get the chance to dissolve some of the limiting beliefs and see like, wow, this has been holding me back for a while. And I also back to that client and you know, midlife or in stuckness it is often that we are living that story, that our parents wrote it for us, or, you know, we're carrying so much BS in our heads too that we've certainly just like gotten lost in that story, even if we wanted to be mindful of the decisions we're making.

28:00 But the reframe is a lot of power, like a personal power in that. I love that. Yeah, so true Things that we don't even realize that we're carrying. that is how we think it should be still kind of rattling around in there, yeah, yeah so then, and then, once you have that, you give yourself that you know, okay, I'm telling my own story, I'm building my own life, so you move forward and it's less about fear. Uh, it's more about embracing possibilities and start to celebrate yourself a little bit more and having fun. This should be fun uh, yes, right, yes, yes, and you know what I like that perspective, because on so many episodes of this podcast, we're talking about something that is a challenge at this phase of life.

28:52 And okay, how will we think about that and how will we go about that, but overall it can be fun. It can be fun and it is. It is all challenging, but I find like once we're able to remove some of the fear and really work through anxiety, it really we start to become just lighter and see possibilities versus just problems and challenges and roadblocks. I love it. Okay, so I have to always be mindful of the time, because we could talk forever. Yeah, exactly, I love this. Okay, so, if somebody is really resonating with this and thinking you know this, this idea of of reframing and storytelling my life could maybe help me.

29:41 How can people find you or learn more about what you do? Yeah, thank you for asking that. They can go on my website. Start there. It's under my full name, annarosaparker. com, and they can send me a message through that. Also, I'm on LinkedIn under my full name, Anna Rosa Parker, and then I have an Instagram that is currently assigned to my evoke method, like the framework that I'm just trying out. Yeah, perfect, and I'll put those in the show notes too, so that we'll make it really easy. Yeah, perfect, and I'll put those in the show notes too, so that will make it really easy. Let's, let's wrap up with this. I always love to to kind of say, okay, if you don't remember every single thing that you heard just now, because you're, you know, folding the laundry or driving the car or whatever, while you're listening, what is the one big OMG, I have to remember this thing that you want somebody listening to think about.

30:34 Oh, I love this. Okay, I think, then, the most important takeaway is that you are the author of your story. So, no matter where you are in life or how stuck you feel that every day is an opportunity to write something new and to understand where you are currently in your story today, where you came from and where you are going in your story. So, for example, like today, job is no longer something that we just get, it's something we create, and same with our life story. Oh, I like that. It's not something we get, it's something we create Interesting.

31:14 Yeah, yeah, and so is our lives, our story, our journey, and you know, we can just start writing it. Yes, it's empowering. Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I appreciate you. Be the author of your own life. As I was having this conversation with Anna, I almost feel like I was sitting up straighter. I was feeling, feeling truly feeling more empowered. There is something about the idea that we get to write our own stories that is powerful and impactful, and so I hope this episode has been that for you.

32:01 Now make sure to grab the link in the show notes and head over to my Midlife Patreon community, because I have an extra mini interview with Anna that is over in Patreon for those Patreon members, where we talked a bit further about midlife and about those competing desires and even touched on relationships, which is really interesting. So I'll see you over there for sure. And make sure you've hit the follow button, because next week I'm going to share with you some of the work I've done to try to figure out how in the world can I improve my memory?

32:45 And doesn't it follow right along with this storytelling idea? Because maybe now you're scratching your head and thinking I need to remember more things from my life, so let's talk about it. I'll see you then, and in the meantime, oh my goodness, let's keep creating confidence and success, one thought at a time.