84. Why You Self-Sabotage Your Big Goals (And How to Stop)

Why Midlife Change Feels Hard

I wish I had a dollar for every time I talked about how so many things are changing in midlife. Because they are your 40s, your 50s, the kids might be older, retirement's on the horizon, but not here yet. Maybe you feel ready to make a big change, a career change, start a business, get in shape, maybe move. I actually did that six years ago. So what's the problem? That sounds great, right? Let's go change. Let's do it. Here's the problem: you set a big goal, you get excited, you start taking action, and then for some reason that you can't identify, you self-sabotage. You procrastinate, you think up reasons why your big idea is not going to work, or you just kind of gradually slide back into your old habits and you say, I didn't really mean that. Well, what if this self-sabotage isn't a sign of weakness or failure on your part? What if it's a predictable, biological, psychological process that you have some control over? Let's talk about it. Welcome to Mind Your Midlife, your go-to resource for confidence and success, one thought at a time. Unlike most advice out there, we believe that simply telling you to believe in yourself or change your habits isn't enough to wake up excited about life or feel truly confident in your body. Each week, you'll gain actionable strategies and, oh my goodness, powerful insights to stop feeling stuck and start loving your midlife. This is the Mind Your Midlife Podcast. As we get started, I want to say a quick thank you for your reviews this spring on Apple Podcast. Reviews tell Apple to share the podcast with more listeners, and that means we're making more of a difference. Tracy Hoth wrote recently: every time I listen, I receive some gold nugget of wisdom, encouragement, something I can implement, an aha, et cetera. Thanks so much for speaking to midlife women on real life topics. Thank you for that review, Tracy. And if you're listening, head over to the Mind Your Midlife page on Apple, scroll down, tap the five stars, and write a quick review. And I thank you so much for doing that. What I want to share with you today is something that really made a difference for me when I was originally exploring mindset before I was ever a coach, when I was working with a coach, because I didn't understand why I kept hitting a wall and kind of not being able to get past a certain point in my business at the time. I hit it and I dropped back and I hit it and I dropped back. And I could see the pattern and I didn't know why, and I didn't know how to get out of it. And so when I was working with my coach, Karen, she introduced me to Bob Proctor and Sandy Gallagher's work with the Procter Gallagher Institute. And this is where I learned about the terror barrier. Now that sounds awfully severe and scary. We're going to talk it through so that you know what I mean. So, how does your mind, how does my mind process change? You might be someone who really doesn't like change, in which case there's maybe an extra added layer of challenge to what we're talking about today for you, or you might be someone, and this is me in most cases, who likes change. I like novelty, I like doing something different, I like a new challenge to a certain extent, right? Like sometimes this feels too much. And that's that's kind of the situation we're gonna talk about. So, what they say in their work is that you have an X frequency and a Y frequency that you operate on. So, you know, I used to be a math teacher. I love the X and Y of this, but I'm gonna give you another way to look at it in case you're very anti-algebra or that's bringing back bad things, bad memories for you. Your X frequency is when you're in your comfort zone. So you can just think of it as comfort zone. This is your current life, your current subconscious beliefs about your abilities, your amount of success, your amount of money, how things work, all of that. And what they call it is your current paradigm, habits, income level, routine, what you believe about all of that. Your subconscious brain loves to be in this X frequency in the comfort zone. Why? Well, you can guess why. It feels safe, it feels predictable. You have forty or fifty years of evidence that this is a good place to be. Your nervous system is sitting in the parasympathetic state, also known as rest and digest. Your body functions are working, everything is doing as it should. You are breathing well, your heart is beating appropriately, we don't have spikes of cortisol going, we don't have spikes of adrenaline, we don't have all sorts of other things that happen when our nervous system gets riled up. The comfort zone is exactly what it sounds like. It is really comfortable. And when you hit midlife, it can happen that sometimes you start to say, well, gosh, this could be my last chance to start that business I always thought about. Or I better do what I wanted to do in my career now because I'm only gonna be in this career for 10 more years. Or you know what? I'm looking around at my house, my relationship, my whatever, my health habits, and I'm not happy with that. There's so much change, as I said at the beginning, going on in this period of time that sometimes we go, you know what? I am noticing something that I really do want to change. Even though change might be challenging, even though I know that it's going to be very different. All the shifting pieces of my life right now are making me notice that in this one piece, I want to do something different. And for the purposes of this episode, we're going to talk about that piece as wanting to start a business. But it does not have to be about wanting to start a business, any any big major change. You just you're happily swimming around in your comfort zone in that X frequency, and something catches your attention. Maybe now would be the time to start that business. I've always been thinking about because I could do it for 10 years and really make something of it. This is my time. So you get an idea, and this is called the Y. Your Y idea. You could call it your big goal, your big idea. This is your new goal. You've thought of something, some exciting change that you want to make, and you want to do it before retirement, or before you don't have quite the fitness level you have, or while you have the income you have now. Now's the time. So here's the interesting twist. As long as this big idea, this Y, stays in your conscious mind, and that is the part of your brain where you're thinking about it. Maybe you're daydreaming about it. You make a vision board, you start to write some steps on a paper, you're evaluating it, you're logicking it. As long as it stays there in your conscious mind, it's fine. You feel happy thinking about this big idea. I know that was the case for me. I'm like writing down the steps, I'm writing down ideas, I'm making a plan, I'm making an analysis, I'm thinking what are the first things I need to do. I'm thinking, wow, this is gonna be so cool. I'm thinking about it. That's safe. You can think about it all day. That is not scaring your brain at all. What happens, though, is most likely, if this is some idea that you really do want, at some point you're gonna start taking actual steps towards this Y idea. You've not you're not just gonna sit and write ideas and steps on a paper forever. If you really want it, you're gonna dip a toe in and you're gonna start taking action. And that means that this Y idea, this big idea, as you start to step forward, action number one, action number two, is now gonna be impressed onto your subconscious mind because this is changing your understanding of your life. Now I'm doing things towards my big idea. Oh man, this is a real thing. I'm not just writing it on a paper, I'm doing the things. But how's your subconscious brain wired? It's wired to do X, not Y. It's wired to stay in the comfort zone. The big idea is gonna clash with that comfort zone. So inside your subconscious brain, now that you start taking action toward this idea that you had that you really want, you really want, X and Y are just clashing. They're fighting. It's like oil and water. Your subconscious brain freaks out because X and Y cannot coexist. Your nervous system, right into sympathetic state. You've got adrenaline, you've got cortisol, you're not breathing as deeply, you're you're all you're not digesting properly, all sorts of symptoms of that, which we've talked about before. There is a mental reaction and a physical reaction. So the physical, the nervous system, all the things that it affects, the mental, you start worrying. Maybe this is gonna happen. What if that happens? Maybe you get hit with some fear that you're not able to process through. Fear underlies all of our decisions. And when we have a healthy relationship with it, we're able to process through it. This probably isn't gonna feel as healthy. You're remembering one time in third grade when you gave a talk and your class was making fun of you or something, and now you're like, I'm gonna be giving talks in this new business. What was I thinking? Oh my gosh, I started to set up this talk and now ah, all that's going on in your head because what you are now taking action towards, your subconscious brain is not happy with. This is what Bob Proctor called the terror barrier. So when we try to mix action steps on the way to our big idea with the comfort zone that our subconscious brain is happy in and defines life, it doesn't mix. So when your nervous system goes haywire, your brain is really desperately going to try to get you back to safety. You're going to tell yourself all sorts of things. I'm too old for this. What am I thinking? Why would I do this now? I don't have the skills. I've never done this before. I've never created a business like this. Why do I think I can do it? I should just stick to what I know. All of that stuff is your brain telling you to get back into X, the comfort zone. Make the anxiety and the fear and the worry and the adrenaline and the cortisol stop. Make it stop. I want to be back in the comfort zone. And that's what we call self-sabotage. It's your subconscious brain saying, What is this Y thing? Absolutely not. Back to X. And we justify it and it sounds good. Now, if you are trying to open some new business that requires a lot of training and education, and you don't have the proper training and education, well, maybe you don't have the skills. We can't just walk onto a plane and say, I've decided to become a pilot. There are things that you need the skills for. You want to be a doctor. Yes, you do have to go through all the steps. But most of the time, that's not what this is about. It's we've had some big idea that actually is a possible idea. And yet it's different. It's a stretch, something new. Maybe we need to learn something and we know we can. So all this, it's too late, you're too old, you don't have the skills, you should stick to what you know. That's coming from your subconscious brain saying, whoa, terror barrier, absolutely not. Go back. Do not go through. So another way that this has been described is in four stages. So if you are trying to break through this terror barrier, you've got a new idea, you started taking some action. Well, let's see if you can identify what stage you're in. And I think that's going to be helpful so that you can know, okay, where am I headed now? Like, what can I do? So the first stage, sometimes we call bondage. You're in X, the comfort zone. X is your habits, your beliefs about yourself and about the world and what you can do and your income and all of that comfort zone. And you're starting to want something different. That's the first phase. You're still bound to X, the comfort zone. Second phase, and again, you're just wanting to see if you can recognize where you are here. Second phase is reason. You have the big idea, the Y, but you're only thinking about it logically in your conscious mind. You're writing plans, you're taking notes, you're watching videos, you're imagining how it will be. You haven't taken any action. And if you're thinking to yourself right now, well, writing plans and making and doing analyses and learning the skills is taking action. Maybe yes, maybe no. I think if you really look at what you're doing, you'll know when you're just stuck in this logical thinking, this sort of planning to plan, to plan, to get ready. Aiming, aiming, aiming. I've also heard it said. You've not taken any action. That's the second stage, reason. The third stage is conflict. This is the terror barrier. You take some action, and fear and anxiety hit you, and you are not able to process through it. This stage is where 90% of people retreat back, self-sabotage, say that wasn't meant for me, go back to X, the comfort zone. And when you can get through, because I'm not going to leave you sitting there, the fourth stage is freedom. If you can get through and you can take action despite the fear, through the fear, you can step through the barrier. But you don't have to stay stuck there. And the cool thing is, over time, this big idea, this Y becomes your new normal. It becomes your new ex. It becomes your new comfort zone. You rewire the subconscious brain, and now it believes that's exactly where you belong once you've hit this freedom stage. The key is how do we get through the terror barrier? Okay, I'm going to give you a few actionable steps, and then I'm going to really, really, really say that having a coach when you are going through this is the most powerful. I had a coach. I learned this from a coach when I was going through this, and I know I wouldn't, I know I wouldn't have ended up where I ended up without her and without this learning. So at any point, go ahead over to CherylPFischer.com/ recharge and check out the midlife recharge because I can help you. Here's some tips for you. First of all, name this terror barrier. So I'm always telling you, recognizing is the first step, right? When we actually recognize what's going on, sometimes we realize that it doesn't make sense. So when you start feeling the urge to quit something that you're trying, feeling the urge to procrastinate, not do anything towards it, feeling to urge to kind of the urge to kind of second guess, notice it. And you can say, you can even say this out loud. I am hitting the terror barrier, and that is okay. Notice it. It's okay. You're normal. This is how our brains work. This is the terror barrier. Notice it. And expect that you're gonna have a little bit of freakout. You're gonna have some fear and anxiety. It's okay. If we normalize it, maybe we can kind of breathe through it. And I mean that literally as well as sort of figuratively. If you are trying to change your life at age 50, your nervous system will panic. Expect it. No, call it out. Hey, body, like, whoo, I feel the stress and it's okay, it's normal, it's because I'm doing this new thing. It's okay. Notice. Expect it. And then here's the thing: stop sitting on the fence. Because when we sit on the fence, is when we're sitting in this weird oil and water X and Y mix right there on the tarot barrier. You can't live in both. But I want you to allow yourself to fully commit to this big idea, understanding that it's not all going to be smooth and it might be scary. And some things might not work out the way you thought the first time. And you can figure it out. You can figure it out. The discomfort is temporary, but the regret of pulling back and not trying this big idea that you really did want, that's gonna stick with you. And my answer or my response to that when I first learned this was, well, how? How? Well, first of all, we need to start giving ourselves a new movie in our head of what our life looks like. We need to start changing the our subconscious brain's belief about what we can do and what our life looks like. I'm not a big journaler, but in this particular case, it is very powerful if you consider writing down your vision. You don't have to make it hard and formal and complicated. You can just grab a notebook or you can open a new app uh notes on your phone, whatever. I want you to write down maybe a little bit every day, nothing formal. What do your days look like now that you've created this big idea, achieved it? How do you feel? What do your weeks look like? What does your income look like? What's the next thing you're gonna be doing? What successes have you had so far? So you're imagining you already have achieved this big idea, and you are writing this in the present tense. Let your imagination go nuts. No limits. Nobody's gonna grab this notebook out of your hands in the future and say, you wrote that thing and that didn't happen. Whatever you want, imagine it, write it down in the present tense. This is amazing. Here's what's happening now, and here's what's happening now, and this is what my business. Looks like. And this is how fit I am. And I just went and ran the marathon or whatever. Whatever the thing is that is your big idea that you want to do. And add to it regularly. And then read it. I mean, it's going to save itself in your brain, especially if you're handwriting this. Read it, add to it. Present tense. It's a great place to start because you are wanting that repetition of that idea in your subconscious brain so that your brain starts going, oh, maybe we're in the Y and not the X. Maybe. And then the second thing is coaching. As I said, it is so much easier to go through a tarot barrier with someone helping you to go through. And that's what I do with the midlife recharge. You want to see exactly what's going on right now, look at where you want to change, look at where you want to grow, and then figure out how to move forward. So go see it. CherylPFischer.com slash recharge. Just check out the information. Okay. So as we put all this together, what's the one thing I want you to remember? Growth and fear go together. The only place you can sit in your life when fear is not going to be knocking on your door, knocking on your thoughts every now and then is the comfort zone. And nothing grows there. It's very stagnant. If you stay in the comfort zone for a long time, it feels oh, maybe it's tad sad, it feels tiring, it feels boring. It's safe and your body recognizes it as safe, but without that little bit of extra oomph to go through the fear, we don't get to the growth. They go hand in hand. There is no way to grow without moving through the fear. And that's okay. So what I want you to do is think about your Y goal, your big goal, your big idea that you've been putting off. Figure out what stage you're in right now with it, and then take one little action today. Maybe it's starting to write down what things will look like when you've done it. Maybe it's talking to a coach. Maybe it's taking one action, actual physical action towards creating that. And know that when the fear shows up, you can decide to keep going. And hey, reward yourself. If you kept going today and you did the hard thing, reward yourself. Go for it. And keep remembering. Midlife is your time to take just a little bit better care of yourself. On the outside and on the inside, just a little bit more care makes a big difference.