WEBVTT
00:00:01.060 --> 00:00:19.966
If I say the phrase permission to thrive to you, I wonder what comes to mind, because when I work with clients on mindset, we're digging into what's all that stuff we're telling ourselves inside our head.
00:00:19.966 --> 00:00:26.292
A lot of it tends to be messages that absolutely are not permission to thrive.
00:00:26.292 --> 00:00:33.033
It's self-criticism, it's worries, it's what ifs, and that's what we want to talk about today.
00:00:33.033 --> 00:00:36.226
You get permission to thrive.
00:00:36.226 --> 00:00:38.212
Let's talk about it.
00:00:38.212 --> 00:00:45.552
Welcome to Mind your Midlife, your go-to resource for confidence and success.
00:00:45.552 --> 00:00:47.482
One thought at a time.
00:00:47.482 --> 00:01:00.302
Unlike most advice out there, we believe that simply telling you to believe in yourself or change your habits isn't enough to wake up excited about life or feel truly confident in your body.
00:01:00.302 --> 00:01:09.585
Each week, you'll gain actionable strategies and oh my goodness powerful insights to stop feeling stuck and start loving your midlife.
00:01:09.585 --> 00:01:12.453
This is the Mind your Midlife podcast.
00:01:15.721 --> 00:01:18.367
Our brains are wired to keep us safe.
00:01:18.367 --> 00:01:21.013
I feel like I've said that sentence so many times.
00:01:21.013 --> 00:01:23.828
I should have a dollar for every time I say that sentence.
00:01:23.828 --> 00:01:40.938
Our brains are wired to keep us safe, and that's a good thing, and yet in our everyday lives, we're not facing danger typically as if we were running from a wild animal or something like that.
00:01:40.938 --> 00:01:56.837
We've learned not to touch the hot stove and to look both ways when crossing the street, and we're handling those dangers, but we're not facing overarching danger, and yet our brains and our nervous systems are wired to keep us safe from dangers like that.
00:01:56.837 --> 00:02:03.046
So sometimes we do what maybe I'm going to call an over safety.
00:02:03.046 --> 00:02:11.403
We make ourselves smaller to keep even more safe from things that feel like a challenge.
00:02:12.907 --> 00:02:27.695
And so today, my guest, dr Wendy O'Connor, and I are going to be talking about giving yourself permission to thrive, and we have to then also talk about what in the world does that mean?
00:02:27.695 --> 00:02:29.342
What does success mean?
00:02:29.342 --> 00:02:30.686
What does happiness mean?
00:02:30.686 --> 00:02:31.848
Are they the same thing?
00:02:31.848 --> 00:02:32.951
How do you decide?
00:02:32.951 --> 00:02:35.403
Is it what somebody told you to do, is it not?
00:02:35.403 --> 00:02:37.448
That's a lot of stuff.
00:02:37.448 --> 00:02:41.033
So Dr Wendy O'Connor is joining me.
00:02:41.033 --> 00:02:46.733
As I said, she is a Stanford trained positive psychologist and success coach.
00:02:46.733 --> 00:02:54.300
She helps women exactly as we would love to do design meaningful, intentional and fulfilling lives.
00:02:54.300 --> 00:02:55.865
So let's chat.
00:02:55.865 --> 00:02:57.326
Welcome, wendy.
00:02:57.326 --> 00:02:58.349
Thanks for joining me.
00:02:58.991 --> 00:03:00.052
00:03:00.052 --> 00:03:01.262
00:03:03.206 --> 00:03:17.235
Defining what success means, I know, is a powerful topic for you, so let's talk about why it is that we each need to decide that for ourselves.
00:03:17.979 --> 00:03:23.129
I went through a period of time where I realized I had checked all the boxes.
00:03:29.801 --> 00:03:41.929
Everything on paper looked exactly how we would typically define success.
00:03:49.742 --> 00:03:56.274
00:03:56.274 --> 00:04:04.385
00:04:05.486 --> 00:04:25.512
00:04:26.432 --> 00:04:44.487
You should go to school, then you should go to college, then you should get a job, a good job, a secure job, then you should get married and buy a house.
00:04:52.184 --> 00:04:57.425
00:04:57.425 --> 00:05:05.232
Yet why am I not happy?
00:05:06.701 --> 00:05:10.473
So defining your own terms of what success and happiness mean to you are pivotal to you feeling successful and happy.
00:05:18.660 --> 00:05:25.288
Yeah, it's such a good point and if I'm hearing you correctly, it's not that you're saying I regret going to grad school.
00:05:25.288 --> 00:05:31.151
You're saying I want to make my own decision and do my thing because I want to do it.
00:05:31.151 --> 00:05:32.014
Is that fair?
00:05:33.120 --> 00:05:41.273
00:05:41.273 --> 00:05:46.189
00:05:46.189 --> 00:05:49.004
00:05:49.004 --> 00:05:52.192
So once you're in a situation and you wake up to the reality that what life feels like isn't how life looks and there's a discrepancy that we could heal or up, level or change, there's a discrepancy that we could heal or up, level or change, that's when it becomes our responsibility, then, to take ownership over that and to make some changes.
00:06:10.752 --> 00:06:21.526
But when I realized, oh, I'm not happy because I'm just following a roadmap that's more prescribed and not mine by design, that's the answer, and so then I make decisions appropriately at the time.
00:06:34.069 --> 00:06:36.747
00:06:49.572 --> 00:06:54.269
We have a moment to sit and think and we go oh why?
00:06:54.269 --> 00:06:54.428
Did.
00:06:54.428 --> 00:06:59.428
I do that thing 10 years ago, and if we get stuck in that it becomes a problem.
00:06:59.428 --> 00:06:59.829
Yeah.
00:07:00.500 --> 00:07:03.367
The biggest sources of regret are what are women regretting?
00:07:08.821 --> 00:07:18.327
A lot of times it's revolving around kids, because at this point in life our kids are leaving, as they should be.
00:07:18.327 --> 00:07:26.958
That's healthy and good, and that's also really hard and emotional, and we're losing control, if you will.
00:07:26.958 --> 00:07:33.851
I don't know how much control we had even in high school ages, but that feels like a lot.
00:07:33.851 --> 00:07:35.074
And so there's.
00:07:35.074 --> 00:07:37.408
I don't know why I didn't do this.
00:07:37.408 --> 00:07:39.456
Why are they not wanting to be around me?
00:07:39.456 --> 00:07:42.362
It just, I mean, could be a million things related to that.
00:07:42.362 --> 00:07:46.490
Maybe I made bad decisions when they were growing up, just questioning, questioning, questioning.
00:07:46.490 --> 00:08:08.362
And then the other thing is, I think, whether you've had kids or not, when retirement starts to be a little bit closer and it seems a little bit more real and it's not like 20 years down the road, it's kind of like we look at our career path and go, huh, like what'd I do that for?
00:08:08.362 --> 00:08:11.668
I gotcha.
00:08:11.809 --> 00:08:13.190
Yeah, I think it's a really it is an interesting conversation, because the life that we want to live is a life without regret.
00:08:21.033 --> 00:08:28.807
We want a life that reflects what we value, where we derive meaning, what makes us truly fulfilled, so we can be our best for others as well.
00:08:37.801 --> 00:08:49.426
00:08:50.227 --> 00:08:55.104
Yeah, and to your point, if we're realizing it now, then okay, let's shift it now.
00:08:55.104 --> 00:08:57.510
Like, don't worry about that, we didn't realize it before.
00:08:57.510 --> 00:09:03.989
Right, correct, correct, okay, excellent, excellent framing of the issue.
00:09:03.989 --> 00:09:26.892
I also heard you say in there a couple of shoulds, and so I think when we're talking about success, that's probably always going to come up, because to me the should is like what does I don't know who I'm looking at, but what does the world say would be success for a woman with my education, or whatever, whatever.
00:09:26.892 --> 00:09:29.426
And that's, it's still a should, right?
00:09:30.269 --> 00:09:39.168
What I believe is a more beneficial, powerful question to ask ourselves is what do I want to be doing?
00:09:48.033 --> 00:09:50.908
And the shoulds really just get woven in there because, again, we're following these conditioned roadmaps, assuming there's a right way to go through life, and so when there is in our minds a right way, then the question is the should.
00:10:09.361 --> 00:10:10.322
There's a right way.
00:10:10.982 --> 00:10:12.703
But the question that's more powerful and leads you to more fulfillment is how do I want life to feel next and what do I most want?
00:10:21.544 --> 00:10:29.918
And that's where we start taking into account happiness in addition to just what is the definition of success.
00:10:31.019 --> 00:10:31.279
I mean in my personal and professional life, which are woven deeply together.
00:10:37.774 --> 00:10:41.600
I won't feel successful if I'm not enjoying this, if I'm not enjoying what I'm creating, how I'm living in my business, how I'm supporting my clients, if I'm not happy, that's not success to me.
00:10:55.268 --> 00:11:16.539
Because, we are conditioned to follow this path towards success.
00:11:43.855 --> 00:11:54.176
That's what you need.
00:11:55.639 --> 00:12:04.965
00:12:04.965 --> 00:12:05.245
00:12:05.245 --> 00:12:07.594
That's why there's such a disconnect.
00:12:09.239 --> 00:12:16.296
I want and this is the way I look at success.
00:12:18.460 --> 00:12:34.767
The byproduct gets to be success, Right, and that's not the way we've been taught.
00:12:42.389 --> 00:12:42.929
You're right.
00:12:42.929 --> 00:12:58.816
Success, I think, has been probably taught to most of us, as, as you said, milestones or labels or you know achievements that you need to check off, and happiness is like a touchy, feely thing that you can do on the weekend.
00:13:00.806 --> 00:13:02.008
That's exactly why we wake up one day going this is as good as it gets.
00:13:07.458 --> 00:13:10.836
00:13:10.836 --> 00:13:19.077
00:13:19.077 --> 00:13:37.138
00:13:37.138 --> 00:13:49.773
The more beauty, the more abundance, the more gets to appear in our lives as a result of living that way.
00:13:57.692 --> 00:14:00.375
00:14:39.619 --> 00:14:43.207
And so I'm not even sure what my question is.
00:14:43.207 --> 00:14:53.168
Just tell us more about what happens when we talk about this permission to thrive idea and when women don't give themselves that permission.
00:14:53.970 --> 00:14:55.711
00:14:55.711 --> 00:15:02.759
00:15:02.759 --> 00:15:33.115
And so permission to thrive, permission to be happy, permission to be your best lit up self has to start with what you are even going to allow yourself to consider in front of you what's happened in the past, what they've been taught, what they have believed, what they've been shown, what people are doing around them, instead of taking these moments of transition in life or moments of growth or different chapters or seasons in life to simply ask themselves what am I wanting, what am I longing for, what am I wishing for?
00:16:16.573 --> 00:16:21.453
00:16:21.453 --> 00:16:38.618
That's what you need to know.
00:16:40.451 --> 00:16:50.356
00:16:50.945 --> 00:16:55.811
You know, as you were saying that, I was just sort of realizing that.
00:16:55.811 --> 00:17:13.332
I wonder if it's also because maybe deep down somewhere we're thinking that if we're trying to be happy then we're taking away from someone else's happiness that we care about.
00:17:13.332 --> 00:17:17.813
It's like a zero sum game thing, like how can we be trying to be happy?
00:17:17.813 --> 00:17:20.032
We're supposed to be making sure our families are happy.
00:17:20.032 --> 00:17:26.316
I just wonder if we feel like we're kind of taking away from someone else sometimes too.
00:17:26.316 --> 00:17:26.938
I don't know.
00:17:27.018 --> 00:17:30.292
We've got a lot of nurturing tendencies within us.
00:17:33.413 --> 00:17:36.153
00:17:36.153 --> 00:17:47.144
00:17:47.144 --> 00:17:56.756
I will tell you from firsthand my own experience.
00:18:02.201 --> 00:18:20.820
I'm a different mom.
00:18:22.169 --> 00:18:27.807
00:18:27.807 --> 00:18:38.717
That's not it.
00:18:39.479 --> 00:18:47.287
Who, by the way, no one else is doing that for you, but you yes.
00:18:51.037 --> 00:18:53.763
And so, looking at happiness and I strongly encourage my clients and women in general to look at happiness as not a luxury, it's a non-negotiable, it's a building block, it's foundational.
00:19:07.286 --> 00:19:14.326
If those parts of us are not tended to, not nurtured, not cared for, we will not be showing up as our best selves for other people.
00:19:23.972 --> 00:19:34.787
And honestly, I think that the most the fear isn't so much that we're going to truly become these selfish witches of humans Right, I think the fear is that, more often than not, women aren't in touch with what truly makes them happy, and doing that work is not appealing, not exciting and not in the comfort zone that we primarily live in.
00:20:03.971 --> 00:20:14.413
Yeah, I think you've hit something, because we can say, oh, maybe it's selfish to take care of ourselves and not take care of other people, and that's not even what we're saying.
00:20:14.413 --> 00:20:16.019
Still, you can take care of other people.
00:20:16.019 --> 00:20:18.513
But that's the surface level.
00:20:18.513 --> 00:20:21.422
I think you might have hit on something very interesting there.
00:20:21.422 --> 00:20:29.932
The deeper level and this is what I end up coaching people on a lot is really deep, deep, deep in our heads.
00:20:29.932 --> 00:20:43.634
What do we really think that we could maybe do and what are we willing to try, with maybe the risk that we won't like it or we won't be able to do it as well as we had hoped, or it won't work out like?
00:20:43.634 --> 00:20:50.714
We think that sometimes those things are really scary, and maybe that is underlying a lot of this.
00:20:51.778 --> 00:20:52.298
There's a big fear of failing, and there's a big fear for a lot of women of having chosen the wrong choice, and so that can be a big factor in how we make decisions.
00:21:04.282 --> 00:21:21.061
To do it, you need to believe that you can handle it.
00:21:24.232 --> 00:21:27.586
00:21:27.586 --> 00:21:32.339
Comfortable, you need to believe it's worth trying, it's worth fighting for it's worth it.
00:21:36.049 --> 00:21:43.945
00:21:44.508 --> 00:21:48.478
I should be able to believe that it's mine already, and we hear about this.
00:21:51.191 --> 00:22:01.881
00:22:01.881 --> 00:22:07.561
00:22:07.561 --> 00:22:08.250
Your brain hasn't contemplated this before.
00:22:10.734 --> 00:22:12.037
00:22:12.037 --> 00:22:21.095
But what you do need to believe is that you're willing to try and that if you were to achieve it, it would be worth it, and you're going to get uncomfortable and you're okay with having your own back.
00:22:30.232 --> 00:22:33.478
00:22:41.159 --> 00:22:43.064
I think it's worth it.
00:22:43.064 --> 00:23:02.997
So it reminds me of a coach that I once was talking to years and years ago, who was saying that one thing that she asks her clients sometimes to do is figure out, okay, what would the worst case scenario be, what's the worst thing that could happen when you start this or go for this or whatever?
00:23:02.997 --> 00:23:07.153
And I was like, really Like, should we be focusing on the worst thing?
00:23:07.153 --> 00:23:12.503
But the point was, if that worst thing happened, you'd be okay.
00:23:12.503 --> 00:23:16.653
The point was, if that worst thing happened, you'd be okay.
00:23:16.653 --> 00:23:17.517
Right, like, how would you handle it?
00:23:17.517 --> 00:23:18.619
Let's talk about it, would you be okay?
00:23:18.619 --> 00:23:20.425
And 99% of the time, yes, I would be okay.
00:23:20.425 --> 00:23:24.816
So then, all right, let's do it, we can figure it out.
00:23:25.717 --> 00:23:30.394
So I call the what ifs the cliff.
00:23:32.577 --> 00:23:34.221
What if it doesn't work?
00:23:35.084 --> 00:23:36.654
What if it goes this way?
00:23:37.577 --> 00:23:42.855
00:23:42.855 --> 00:23:46.212
00:23:46.212 --> 00:23:52.000
What answer it get to the conclusion that you're most afraid of.
00:23:56.232 --> 00:23:58.400
00:23:58.400 --> 00:24:07.330
00:24:07.330 --> 00:24:15.373
Is fear, and so you're letting fear make a decision.
00:24:21.483 --> 00:24:26.618
What if?
00:24:27.039 --> 00:24:27.821
Fill in the blank, finish the sentence.
00:24:29.612 --> 00:24:30.513
How significant of a drop is that really?
00:24:33.460 --> 00:24:37.386
00:24:37.386 --> 00:24:39.352
So this is something that has been such a game changer for my clients is realizing that they're not looking over the edge.
00:24:46.894 --> 00:24:49.059
00:24:49.059 --> 00:24:49.641
Right, but if we really let ourselves be paralyzed by what if we'd never leave the house?
00:24:54.612 --> 00:24:55.954
What if I run over somebody?
00:24:57.499 --> 00:24:58.761
We wouldn't leave.
00:25:00.071 --> 00:25:02.878
Answer your own questions, look at the likelihood of any of those things actually happening, create a reality around that possibility, but don't let fear make your decisions for you without letting yourself feel more informed by looking over that edge.
00:25:19.550 --> 00:25:32.962
Such a great point and, and I would add to that, I can see that this is something I mean you're a coach, I'm a coach that is worthwhile for someone to do with a coach, because when we start down the what if?
00:25:32.962 --> 00:25:46.613
Path, then a coach is going to help us to maybe not get so stuck in that that we're like now everything is terrible and I'm telling myself I'm an idiot all the time, which is the way the brain sometimes goes.
00:25:46.613 --> 00:25:55.931
But, yeah, very powerful to realize that we can handle what comes and it's going to be okay, agreed, Okay.
00:25:55.931 --> 00:26:05.280
So now that I'm on this topic, let me remember to ask you how can people find you if they want to learn more about what they, what you're doing?
00:26:05.942 --> 00:26:19.046
I love to meet new people, so that's a great way for us to connect and, of course, if I can ever support any of your listeners, I'd be happy to, so that's the best way for me.
00:26:28.135 --> 00:26:30.799
Yeah, perfect, and I'll make sure that's in the show notes.
00:26:30.799 --> 00:26:38.721
So I find that when I'm listening to a podcast, I am thinking, wow, good point, wow, good point, wow, good point.
00:26:38.721 --> 00:26:44.151
And then I don't necessarily remember it all because I was doing the laundry or driving the car or whatever at the same time.
00:26:44.151 --> 00:26:56.311
So I always want to ask, as we reach toward the end here, what is the one thing that somebody who's listening you really want them to remember?
00:26:56.311 --> 00:26:59.558
This thing and take it away from this discussion?
00:26:59.558 --> 00:27:03.816
I might call it the OMG, like I have to remember this one thing.
00:27:03.816 --> 00:27:04.859
What would you say that is?
00:27:06.710 --> 00:27:11.634
To redesign your life.
00:27:12.335 --> 00:27:16.679
Whenever you wonder how can I live happier, answer those questions.
00:27:23.265 --> 00:27:38.512
Let yourself instead use this blank canvas of your next chapter as an opportunity to truly script it the way you want to, not the way you've been conditioned to.
00:27:44.284 --> 00:27:56.734
I love it and I love that you said when you hear or feel that nudge, because that's our intuition, which usually is right on the money for sure, and always good to listen to that.
00:27:56.734 --> 00:27:58.880
Absolutely Well, Wendy.
00:27:58.880 --> 00:28:00.303
Thank you so much for joining me.
00:28:00.303 --> 00:28:01.992
It's been a great discussion.
00:28:03.015 --> 00:28:03.696
00:28:03.696 --> 00:28:06.041
There's so much fun here to discuss, so I really appreciate you having me on today.
00:28:10.821 --> 00:28:13.127
So I really appreciate you having me on today.
00:28:13.127 --> 00:28:23.101
Wendy and I are continuing the conversation over on Patreon specifically with some tips she is giving for that emptiness phase that you heard me talking about.
00:28:23.101 --> 00:28:29.250
That is one of the sort of emotional, I'm not sure what to do struggle periods.
00:28:29.250 --> 00:28:40.039
So make sure that you have joined me in the Patreon midlife pivot community, patreoncom slash mind your midlife and you will grab that as well.
00:28:40.039 --> 00:28:43.513
Hope to see you there and I love that.
00:28:43.634 --> 00:28:47.461
Wendy's OMG was number one.
00:28:47.461 --> 00:28:51.640
Notice the nudge that's intuition, gut feeling so powerful.
00:28:51.640 --> 00:28:55.433
And then give yourself permission to investigate.
00:28:55.433 --> 00:29:16.549
Let's look forward, as opposed to always turning back forward to say, okay, now I see, now I know, now I recognize, or maybe even, as you heard Shannon Russell some episodes ago when we talked about your second act, I'll make sure that's in the show notes.
00:29:16.549 --> 00:29:23.594
Also, as you heard her say, maybe you're just a different person now than you were when you made a different choice.
00:29:23.594 --> 00:29:25.019
That's okay.
00:29:25.019 --> 00:29:26.576
Let's go forward.
00:29:26.576 --> 00:29:31.760
Give yourself permission to follow that and see where the path goes.
00:29:32.730 --> 00:29:35.118
Fantastic way to leave this episode.
00:29:35.118 --> 00:29:50.298
If you're listening on Apple podcasts, it would be so amazing if any episodes have been meaningful to you, if you would go and leave a five-star rating and write a quick review.
00:29:50.298 --> 00:29:58.434
It helps so much to get the podcast out to the people who will really appreciate it and benefit from it.
00:29:58.434 --> 00:30:15.142
So thank you for that and, in the meantime, make sure you remember to slow down, maybe take a breath, notice what's around you, what's going on in your head, and let's create something amazing.
